Kahuna Hash Blog

2011-07-13T00:25:00.000-07:00

274 -Hares -Hash God and Enigma Meat
Where -The Ship (which was closed for the Holiday)

After last weeks epic hash with a large a large turnout tonight's energy was decidedly different. Total lethargy. The often hash invaded "The Ship" where the hash was supposed to start was closed when we arrived. NO BIG DEAL LET"S JUST HASH.

WELL NOT REALLY. This was a racist hash. Almost everybody who attended tonight's run had run on Sauvie Island earlier in the day. For many walking up a hill hurt. So the hares walked and set trail as did a catatonic band of inane followers. Seriously, we simply rambled around MultVillage and the surrounding parks. All this while reading from our maps of Mt. Tabor. We ended in a field, where by the hares simply couldn't run any farther. We drank a lot of beer in a short time, did a quick religion and drank some more on a PERFECT night to hash.

275 -Hares -Chet FusterCluck and Deep Throat
Where -Alameda Brewing Company

Alas some energy and insanity. The Cuntess of Curdled Cheese J*** what led a group of 35 lunatic through the streets of Alameda. Chester and D.T. set out at random and laid trail lugubriously and randomly as checks where a plenty and trail scarce. Tard Core and Chubby Chaser did most of the hard work and the Bimbos were plenty happy. Trail meandered down steps and through the Hollywood district as the locals started joining in a light hearted meeting of hash and community. Hollywood rolls like that.

A massive beer check in Grant Park lasted well into the night. Honors to the hares for serving the strongest Malt Liquor on the planet.

There were 4 complete Virgins present and they even donned their recent racist shirts. The seemed to enjoy the jocularity

The strong Malt Liqueur seemed to confuse everybody. Muddy Balls led a massive short cut that was correct in thinking but poor in execution as the cheaters made it to the end before the pack. LIVE BY THE SHORT CUT- DIE BY THE SHORT CUT.

The on home was a chaotic affair as beer flowed freely as FLAMING FART led a near perfect rendition of religion.

On after was at Bills Samyards pool hall in HollyWood and it was a late night for some of us.

Honor to the Hares. This was a light hearted fun hash to run. The flour was chaotic but we made it to where we supposed to. Another perfect day to hash.

Today's Trivia Question.

What is the hasher formally known as just Bruce's hash name. (Correct entries win free beer at the beer checks for a year.Put answer in the cumMents (sic).

2011-06-28T13:25:00.000-07:00

From

Romancing the Bone -Guest On Sec

273 DoubleMint Cum and Rear Entry

I am so very honored that Big Shitter asked me to write up the Trash for the Kahuna trail last night that I went straight home to pleasure myself in the shower.

Our hares were Rear Entry and Double Mint Cum, and they brought us to Good Neighbor Pizza where hashers were cumming out of the woodwork like termites searching for a nice hard piece of lumber.

The trail was as original as a box of Twinkies and as enjoyable as the beef fat they are made of. Fortunately, the pavement wasn’t the only thing that was pounded, because there was much beer to be had at the beer check (and it wasn’t the sipping kind). All the pounding enticed some of our wankers, including Cock Broker, to take a private moment after the viewing of several boob checks.
The trail ventured along the railroad tracks where the delicate String Cheese and Gayzelle complained that the gravel hurt their little toesies and worried that we might be arrested. Fortunately, we thwarted the law this time, though I’m sure the railroad police will be ready for us next time (if they can catch us).
The beer check, with it’s freshly mowed lawn and rolling hills, was the shiggiest portion of the trail, and even by this time, the insatiable Twatsicle left in search of something that might get her wet. Our beloved Hot Buns, who was hoping to get some bimbos wet himself, replaced her.

The second leg of the trail was hijacked by Burnt Lips, who turned a simple trail into a cluster fuck. The pack came into the On-In from at least three different directions, with little idea what had just happened to them (though this is usually how the best nights end).

We finally came to the beautiful house of Rear Entry and Double Mint Cum, where we were rewarded with delicious pulled-pork sandwiches, a toasty fire, and more importantly, beer. Honor to the hares (all three of them).

Pabst Smear led an unusually long circle, which was drawn out for as much as 20 minutes. The Kahunas were getting anxious to begin sport drinking as Pabst introduced four virgins, several visitors, including one from Mexico and one from Vegas, and 69 backsliders.

After much beer was had, and all the Ding Dongs and pork were eaten, we swang low.

Honor to the Kahuna Hash for making this bimbo, and all the other backsliders, cum and giving us another day in which to drink.

Upcumming:

Tonight: The pregnant, lame hare, Amazon.cum, gives us Anal in Laurelhurst Park at the Beaver.

Wednesday: Hump Hash AGM erections! Cum to Cherry City Park in SE to vote for Skinny Bitch and me, Romancing the Bone!
Thursday: Burning Feeling and Romancing the Bone hare the No Name at Periander Park in SW.
Next Monday: Gymnasty hares the Kahuna
Cheers,
Romancing the Bone

2011-06-14T06:42:00.000-07:00

Superfund Waste Dumps On a Superfun Night.

There once was a man who finish he cant.

Who dreamed of haring how deviant,

He was off with a fright,

In the middle of the night,

And he found he needed lubricant.!

The days are getting longer. The trails are getting longer. About 20 hashers gathered in NOPO for Cant Finishes debut as a Monday Night hare. Cant Finish is a hasher's hashers. He looked like hell tonight with recent nettle scars and the remains of skateboarding accident. Trail immediately headed toward a bluff on the bluff. Mutt Fuc*er led the masses as Shi**y Kitty and Hash God led the end of the pack gossipers. It was a fairly long trail (5.69 miles per GPS) and Muddy Balls was first to the Beer Check as well as the beer at the end.

Rear Entry and I Love Tall Boys were DFL tonight as they finished trail carry a warning sign that the trail had crossed into a toxic waste dump. Mystery Meat and Head First did a great job of absorbing many of the stinging nettles on trail. Gazelle and Just James recovered from being lured by long false trail by scaling a dangerous shiggy infested cliff thus catching the rest of the pack.

Honor to Just James for being one of the few Hashers to get named at a Kahuna Hash!! Honor to the Donkey Punchin' Mutha Fucka named PLACEBLO!!!

We were sitting around munching on a feast Can't Finish had assembled. (Honor to shrewd shopping at Gross Out) and Just James launches into a story with explicit detail about how at one time he had received Oral Favors while he was sleeping. We all immediately questioned how he received this while asleep and whether said Blower just told him that he received fore mentioned Oral gratification. A naming on Mondays is a rarity of sorts but the founding fathers gathered and agreed to name him PLACEBLO, His down down was also classic as he was down on his knees and performed a no hands drink back of Pabst Blue ribbon and chocolate pudding. Chocolate pudding dripped down both corners of his mouth as he was anointed his name.

Speaking of the end of Oral Favors, Rear Entry and Doublemint Cum also received down downs for their up coming nuptials.

Honor to hare tonight for setting a challenging albeit snarky trail. Honor to Log Jammer for feeding him pain pills before the run. Our hare sported fresh electric shiggy scars from the past weekend as well as various skateboarding fails. The Gross Out (Grocery Outlet) spread of food was perfect after a semi long trail. He is an obvious graduate of the Hump school of hashing.
As usual everybody got a piece later that night. it is the magic of Mondays

2011-05-17T11:25:00.000-07:00

It takes and Idiot to Raise a Village
OKH3 #267 Mystery Meat
Location -Some obscure Trail Head in Tyron Creek

This night could have been a total clusterf*ck of sorts but our collective half minds saved the night.

Perfect Storm
1. Mystery Meat Posted the wrong starting place for tonights hash.
2. Big S++ter posts the same wrong info via email.
3. Skinny Bitch recognizes that it iswrong.
4. Pabst Smear tries to correct fore mentioned problems.
5. Even with correct directions where ever we started is a fictional place and I don't see my self getting there again. I know for a fact if I went back there today. That place would be gone.

Still a hearty group of 25 hashers made it to the start and my guess is there may be another 10 still out wandering lost. You can't beat Mystery Meat as he did his best to get everybody to the start but he was off at the appointed time. Cant Finish almost finished his beer giving the signal to the rest of the pack to start hashing. At the first check Amazon.cum somehow forgot what flour looked like and hashed on true trail as she tripped over mounds of flour but not calling that she was on. Rear Entry doubled back and corrected that. Basically this was a mud run with very little bush whacking. Brokeback Bitch and DoubleMint Cum found a sneaky little trail that led us almost back to start but no where near the finish. About 50 minutes in we did a sneaky out and back to the Beer Check where Mystery Meat admitted being a little turned around.

Arse Parade saved the day and led the rest of the pack toward the end of the trail.Seems as Hash God was looking for salvation, DownTown was trying to keep her feet warm, Flaming Fart was roaming around aimlessly chanting "Its a Perfect Day to Hash, Shitty Kitty was flashing hers, as Muddy Balls lost his keys in the woods, and Mutt F#cker was pleasing the K9 crowd. Arse Parade and Coitus stumbled upon true trail and led the masses to golden nectar at the end.

We had fried chicken from Costco. I have no idea why this oil spilled fowl is so popular but it is. And cheese curls were also devoured. Religion was led by Rear Entry with dry wit that was somewhat perfect.

Hats off to Mystery Meat for venturing out of his comfort ship. Nice ample shiggy, plenty of greasy food and lots of beer. Our last run in this location was Kahuna hash 4 where Tw*tSickle and her husband laid something. We need to come back her again in about 270 hashes and see if this place is for real.
And then a rare naming on a Monday Night. Just Memphis (his just name just deserted me) came to hash a few weeks ago. There was an ample supply of beer on that night and we told him to help himself and his reply was that he preferred tall boys. Just Memphis is now forever tagged as I Love Tall Boys.

2011-05-04T00:41:00.000-07:00

Gayzelle Goes Bin Laden
@pdxkahunahash No scouting no problem. While admittedly not scouting a lick Gayzelle had the chutzpah to wing it and run through a cemetary without an action plan. The people from below watched as he ran over them only to come to an eight foot fence with no way out. Eternal Hell so close to beer but locked in a cemetary.

But Gayzelle was smart for a half mind as he constructed a ladder made of 4 wooden pallets and duct take completely ignoring the metal ladder that sat near by.
S mart
H alf Minded
I diotic
T rail
Totally

Y ou guess it. Made up on the spot.
Honor.

2011-04-19T22:59:00.000-07:00

OKH3 #263 Muddy Balls
The day we first met Muddy Balls (Just Pete at the Time) hashing, it had to be 11 years ago and we were out hashing in the Gorge on a wonderful fall day and the beer for the beer check was on a dock in the middle of a pond. Everybody looked at each other, then the beer, and suddenly Muddy was in the water swimming the 30 meters to the beer and back. Problem solved, Muddy Balls (F*c*en Pete at the time) had become an instant hash legend.

Many of us were expecting a kick ball or a smush ball game , but Mr. Balls came through tonight in a big way. The start tonight was the often imitated Red Fox Pub on Mississippi. Another hash comfort bar, with one dollar old Germans and well 3 dollar drinks. To this day I have no idea what a well drink is so, Well lets drink anyways. Many Old Germans were consumed as Muddy silently disappeared.

Trail headed straight down Mississippi using several alleys and school yards. Little Butt Buddy did most of the hard checking as Cunning Goodwill stood on the street corner predicting where the hash may go. Then some myriad of sphincter checks followed right through some guys back yard and a chicken coop. We headed to Overlook Park with a beer check behind the Overlook house. Cans of Caldera for everybody were consumed liberally. Flaming Hetero looked over the banks of the Willamette and was convinced we were to cross the Willamette.

No such luck, as Chubby Chaser led a band of nit wits down a shopping cart covered ravine only to follow Blast Rag up amother identical hill, joining a band of cunning little runts led by Mutt Fucker and Just Jenna who simply hashed city side walks. It was the perfect day to hash as the rest of the sun soaked pack meandered to the On In. Flaming Fart won the hash tonight with well placed cheating and short cutting. Gym Nasty was DFL.

It got cold quickly and we were treated with a fire of epic dimensions at the On In. This along with massive plates of pasta and chips. I know most hashers love beer on trail but one of the simple pleasure of hashing is that you can eat chips. I never told my wife that we had chips at the hash. Damn I was busted tonight.

At religion some wanker from San Diego chose to sing a 13 minute version of Monday is Hashing day crushing Kahuna records that go as far back as the the old testament where somewhere it is written/

May the hash Go In peace. May the hash get a piece.

Notables

The Cuntess of Curdled Cheese J*zz actually took a shopping cart ride down the embankment at Overlook Creative.
Skinny Bitch was the creative mastermind in aforementioned creative short cutting. The Bimbos just followed.
Godspeed and a beer to Doc Snotty Balls and Producing Man Milk. 4/20 is their due date.
Does any body know what day the hump is having their 420 hash.

2011-04-06T16:52:00.000-07:00

Little Butt Buddy Scouting Trail

OKH3 #261 Little Butt Buddy and the Cuntess of Curdled Cheese Jizz

The clouds where lit in a grim grimy gray , Winds howled out of the north at 30 miles per hour. a steady hard cold rain started just about first beer time and an NCAA tournament game was happening on this night and still a hearty fifteen dimwits assembled in Mckenna Park in North Portland.

Little Butt Buddy is a vitriolic voyeur of many vices and, like his hash name, he had a few tricks up his butt tonight. The Cuntess was the sanity behind this two person wrecking crew setting hash in North Portland. When the Cuntess says set trail down a muddy slippery slope, Little Butt Buddy says how far.

Gayzelle is a lazy bastard. He sprinted through NOPO checking each false trail but when he found true trail all he had was a 3 inch limp piece of chalk that lasted all of 18 seconds. As we made it over to UofP all semblance of flour was virtually invisible but something told us to forage down the landslides on the banks of the Willamette river. Scrotum Rotor saved the day, for a brief second, finding a sneaky trail down by the river.

The trail leading down to the river was a god damn mess. The leaves, mud and industrial waste was laden with 5 months worth of rain. it was like running in curdled cheese jizz. Old abandoned shopping carts were everywhere and what little hope Spring had of making an appearance was long gone. It was down right cold and frosty. Flaming Fart still maintained it was a perfect day to hash.

Log Jammer actually took the time to put down well orchestrated markings on trail. I actually saw her cut down a tree and start a bonfire so the masses could follow. It was still possible on this lovely day to hash. The rain picked up harder at the beer check but who had at this point really cared. Chubby Chaser eshewed beer at the beer check so we had one sober person in case something stupid happened. Pabst led an enthused shortcut as a select few sprinted back to the car to get the cold beer ready for the colder hashers.

Tonight's winner of the hash was Burning Feeling. She usually runs the hash with one of her ~~bovines~~ canines, but decided tonight was far too nasty for a dog; perfect for a hasher. Half Mind of the night goes to the only hasher tonight with out a proper hash name. He mother named him Christen Christensen He ran the hash in a heavy cotton Timbers hoodie and by the end of the night he weighed in at 404 ~~ponds~~ pounds. He did a down down for that.

The hares also did down downs. Ironically, somehow as the hash ended it stopped raining. WTF. The V hash could have been a debacle of epic proportions but some how the debacle never materialized. Some wore Vibrams, some blew a vuvuzela and to many it was very very cold. But still a magical night in many ways. A small group of hashers sometimes is a lot of fun. Everybody works together everybody drinks together.

And we ate chocolate donuts.
We drank beer and went home satiated.
And warm again.

Honor to the hares picking this up at the last minute and coming through.

Shitty Hash

Great Fun

2011-03-17T22:50:00.000-07:00

OKH3 #258 Stinkfinger and Fu Fu

Kahuna Hash

Start: The Agenda tavern

March 14 is commonly known as National Steak and BJ day.

www.steakandablowjobday.com

A fitting day to set this run.
It was mid afternoon Monday and these two half minds had never posted where the hash was to start. They have been hashing collectively for 84 years the two of them combined. Par for the course, as it was rumored the hares had spent the previous day scouting and drinking and one or both of their spouses warned us. These two were hungover from just scouting the trail the day before.

Crapulous and Lugubrious stumbled out of the bar and and headed straight up Mt. Tabor and Cougaroo led the rest of the pack 10 minutes later. The night teetered on the brink of disaster. It was a small crowd and that made the night kind of perfect. Just Zooey and Just Bruce led the masses up some crazy ivy mud slick trails. Hashers are like sheep some nights as we just take the hard road when we all knew where the trail was going.

The Mt. Tabor part of the trail was fun as hell. We all pushed each other up the hill and slid back down. Beer was consumed and we headed back to the Agenda for religion.

Category: Nightlife Bars Dive Bars Dive Bars [Edit]

Neighborhood: Southeast Portland
Add Photos Price Range:$
Accepts Credit Cards:Yes
Good for Hashers:Yes
Outdoor Seating:Yes
Music:Live, Juke Box
Best Nights:Monday
Microbrews -2bucks

This place was fantastic. Cheap Microbrews, great pool table and we all participated in a large scale Jenga game. Hash God and Chester FusterCluck came out the winners. The Village idiot repeatedly tumbled the Jenga blocks. It was great to see him.

It was a small crowd on National Steak and BJ day. But it certainly was a fiesty one. Very nice trail and copius amounts of beer.

2011-03-02T00:50:00.000-08:00

Hares Coitus
Preamble
The Best of Plans Go Unlaid

Gutsy Call Coitus -On a snowy Sunday a week ago Coitus hit on a bright idea to set a hash run at one of the higher elevation points in Portland secretly relishing that Portland had been on the cusp of snow for the past week. On scouting Sunday he secretly hailed a cab for the first time in his life and told the cab driver to drop him off him off at the nastiest snowiest place in Portland. It was his dime and the cabby was paid to drive. After an hour, the cab driver pushed him out of the cab atop skyline drive (after Coitus had consumed a 12 pack in the the back seat of the cab while watching porno and eating Cheetos) and Coitus set out scouting this run. He exited the car with with a few bags of Cheetos and some tape he had stolen from the back seat of the cab.

Upon exiting the cab to verbal slurs from the Cabbie, Coitus soon lost his footing sending him over a bank on skyline drive. Coitus literally fell for 10 minutes straight rolling down the hill, through sticker bushes and fallen branches. He got up again and tried to walk but then fell again careening down boulders and streams and he finally came to a sudden halt in his descent as he landed in a mystical house in the middle of the woods. He got up shaken and a bit perplexed. He had lost half of his Cheetos and as he looked back some of the tape he had stolen must have have stuck to the trees. He stammered to himself and a light radiated on him through the deep wooded canopy, He had just stumbled upon trail for this week.

Snow Falling on Cheetos

Yes he set the trail by stumbling drunkenly down the hill. It was part genius, part folly and the rest lugubrious luck. We had to follow that mess for the night. Just Kate, Chubby Chaser and three Canadians from the Yukon set out to catch Coitus but they were following the road. As the rain turned to snow, Mutt Fuc*ker and Diddler on the Roof must have made the same fatal mistake as our hare as we were soon in the middle of nowhere fighting through brambles and newly formed ankle deep streams. The mixed rain and large snow flakes made vision nearly impossible. We were cold to the core and as we reached a shack in the middle of the woods flaming Fart yelled through Frost bitten lips; "Its a Perfect Day to Hash"

The Shack

Cums Liberally led the pack (attired in a brides maid dress) to a shack in the middle of Forest park. The Cuntesss and Tard Core entered the shack with holly berries in odd places and proceeded to open cold beers for everybody. Sitting in a shack ,with steam rising from our bodies. in rain and snow drinking beer as an old bat on the top of the hill threatened to call the police was a picture perfect post card of hashing in Oregon. Who could ask for a better night.

That is the signature of Kahuna runs. Old bats yelling at us and of course (no correlation that Mystery Meat was on trail) the usual run ins with the police. But that's old hat, as LittleButBuddy and Snuggle my PeePee told the police what they wanted to hear. Something about us selling Girl Scout cookies to benefit the Boy Scouts. He did not buy this scrupulous story. But, that policeman was fatter than Tonia Harding a week ago and he wasn't going to get out his car and chase us anytime soon.

So we finished the trail without incident. The snow had turned back to rain and we were all wet in all the right places.

OnOn
Big

2011-02-02T17:24:00.000-08:00

Hash 252
Hares Mud and Butt
Where -Wind Tunnel

I left from the house and it was a pleasant spring day. Got to start of the hash and winds were whipping about 40 miles per hour and it was frigid. I love Mud Butts runs on a Monday night. We usually hash to shiggy, run in the shiggy for awhile, drink a beer along the way and head back. Mud Butt threw away that recipe for disaster. CHESTER CF and Hash GOD wore shorts. Chester's were of the Fred Flintstone variety. Dumb hashers is double redundancy.

Several walkers, wankers and pregnant Bimbos were afforded a shorter debacle but the rest of the pack were in for an adventure. The first shiggy stretch was along I205. GoodWillCunting led the masses through discarded heroine needles and assorted electric shiggy. Complete new-comer Just Emily pointed the pack toward an eight foot wall we had to climb. Per usual, hashers helped other half minds over the wall. Pocket Pushy (sic) simply tossed DoubleMint Cum over the wall. The C*NTASS of Curdled Cheese tried to lick the wall and simply stuck to it. STRING CHEESE did not. The cheese sisters on trail always nice.

YES an 8 Foot Wall -Whether you like it or not you had to go over it. Penny the Dog made it in one leap. Mutt F**ker did not. Well they always say the grass is greener on the other side. Tonight it wasn't. For the next 20 minutes we climbed and climbed through neighborhoods that all looked the same. So were at the mercy of the hare. Ass then led us into another nice patch of shiggy in the woods. Snuggle My PP and SkinnyBitch headed across the stream where the trail did not go. Smarter types followed the arrows. (DUH). Doc Snotty Balls and his little dog led us trail at the summit if Mt. Scott for a beer check. Heavy Winds and a drifting snowflake once again greeted the bemoaning pack. Rainier was abundant at the beer check. Pabst Smear took out his tool and tried to Piss on the pack as they climbed . WANKER.

Two vestal virgins soon led us off the summit. The hash back in was uneventful as the sweat we had worked up on the accent froze on us on the way down,. Got Man Milk was declared tonights weiner of the hash because she cheated. Scouts On Her was DFL.

Luckily religion was conducted out side. We were treated to cooked frozen chicken, a boat load of beer and some tasty frozen chips and OREO cookies. Soon after everybody went to the JIZZ bar on 82nd to thaw and imbibe.

Apparently MUD BUTT had to have run this trail 100 times before doing it live. I have no idea how he knew where he was going. On second thought he probably winged it. He is that smart.

This trail blew. If you have ever been blown in a good way. You know what I am talking about because I certainly don't/

Here is a quiz to see if you were paying attention.

A Mud Butt is.

An uncontrollable bad case of diarrhea that feels as if mud is oozing out of your ass.
when you fart, and some diarrhea comes out, and coats the inside of your butt cheeks.
The sensation of your rectum filling up with shit that's less than solid. Impending diarrhea.
Our mindless hare for the night.
None of the above
All of the Above.

2010-10-20T01:01:00.000-07:00

OKH3 #237

Wet Spots & Stinkfinger-Fulton Pub

Start at the Fulton Pub

In case you did not notice on this the most awesome day to hash the splendid Autumn sky was illuminated by a beautiful crescent moon somewhat dimming the constellation Cassiopeia as well as planet Jupiter. You have to love an October evening. The hares cunningly set a somewhat uncomplicated uphill trail that afforded the most work and maximum reward hashing down hills through grave stones which contained I assume dead people. It is in a graveyard at Halloween at almost a full moon that a hasher feels truly alive. I have never seen Gym Nasty actually run at a hash tonight but tonight he was truly like a man possessed finding trail.

While looking for flour Tripod, Scouts Honor and Blast Rag came across some tracks above the beer check and they looked at them and Tripod said, I think it is a deer, Blast Rag said no I think it is an Elk and Scouts Honor chirped in no I think its a bear. Luckily Captain Von Poopy Pants came along and saved them from getting hit by a train. Down Town asked the original three if they ever figured out what kind of tracks they had seen.

A beer check of epic proportions appeared 15 yards from the almost train wreck. TramVestite and her band of friends were the last to the beer check and where greeted by cheers that echoed off the river and the crumbling SellWood bridge. The last half mile back to the On In was a frolic of sorts. We all smelled the beer despite the beautiful crispness of a perfect fall evening.

Some complete star gazing babbling idiot led religion despite the constant cat calls of Mr Pabst Smear.Ms. Wet Spots and a lucent StinkFinger were called front and center. .(I assume they never ever read anything I write so I'll have to let you in on a secret because I went to my car after the hares had left and Doc Snotty Balls and I saw the hares start on trail run down one block and they started kissing and ripping off each others clothes and jumped in some Chevy that had been painted matrimonially with the words "Prelayed' like it was their wedding day). I digress, as they simply did their down downs.

Wet Spots led swing low.
The stars sparkled.
We drank some beer.

and we all got a piece of beauty. You have to love StinkFinger and Wet Spot's hashes.as they always have a spot of brilliance in places we have been a thousand times. And they get us to beer when we really want a beer.Touche...

Shitty Hash
Big Shi**er
.

2010-10-05T15:44:00.000-07:00

Hyperbolic Me and 50 plus half minds met at the Ship in Multnomah Village expecting a truly un inspired run as most of us had run from there about 65.86 times before but we were in for a the surprise of our lives tonight. You see, Mystery Meat is an Icon of sorts who can pull a rabbit out his pants when least expected. That's why we lace them up.

The pack was rather spread out tonight so some of you may have not seen it exactly as it reported here as it all about being at the right place at the right time.

The Meat provided a bag car which was a harbinger that the run was to end at his humble estate, Mystery Meat was off at 645 sharp and a large collection of misfits soon followed. In the Tinker Bell world Chester, Deep Throat and Tinkerbell started when they wanted to, The trail snaked through two tough checks and a back entrance into the park. It was here in the park that Mystery Meat has 13 bikini clad woman providing beers to the satiated stumblers. If you missed it you were probably stuck at a check or short cutting.

Trail then headed through suburbia of sorts and toward one of the darkest trails one would ever run in their life. About half of us donned head lamps and the other half stumbled with the help of fellow hashers. I think Stink Finger may still be out there, The beer check was on a bridge in the woods and for those arriving early there were copious amounts of champagne this time served by the Blazers dancers. Don't know how Mystery Meat pulled that one off.

Just Sopa (Red Card/Green Card) led the masses out of the Netherlands and back to street hashing. A giant brown bear chased a few of us out of the woods and Down Town wrestled the bear to the ground and Tard Core hit it over the head with his flashlight. Disaster averted we solved a few more checks only to be greeted by by a gang of marauding pirates that tried to take our woman. Village Idiot would have non of that and beat them off. The end was near and we made it back to the Meat locker happy and enthused.

A giant roaring fire greeted the hashers with ample fried chicken and some of the best beer ever, Mugs and mugs of the delicious nectar. Gym Nasty led religion from his bully pulpit (what ever that may be) and chords of swing low could be heard all over the Village of Multnomah. As usual we got lost on the way back to our cars and had to run the trail backwards to find our vehicles.

Sometimes things are a blur but this was truly a shitty trail of epic proportions that many found inspiring.and some unbelievable. I love Mystery Meats runs as it always brings people out of the wood work and the event always delightful and full of surprises.

2010-09-22T12:14:00.000-07:00

Kahuna -2 hundred and something

Hares -Thats them on the left

Where -NoPo

Okay I got writers block. So with some help from Miss Mammurai Warrior here is what may or may not have transpired. Miss Warrior just returned from the Kahuna homeland of Hawaii and her observations are underlined and my fabrications follow

A turnout of 50 hounds on a Monday night is possible -Yes indeed a rather large turn out on a Monday with 50 plus hashers on a PERFECT DAY to hash. Every Monday is a perfect day to hash. Not sure if it was the fall out from the Flame wars or just that Double Mint Cum and Deep throat have abundant charisma or that the pack was hell bent on catching these hares. Rumor spread like wild fire the hares were running commando but lets face it these hares are fast wily and catching them was going to take some serious short cutting or cheating and the rumor was just that as hashers are more interested finding beer than a hare with out pants.

Redi-Nip & Sniffy did a great job making the Red Fox a hasher friendly establishment. The hash started at the Red Fox an ever popular Hasher Bar thanks to Reddi Nip and Sniffy. One Dollar old Germans (I have known a few of these) lubed the pack .

Mosquito repellent at a NoPo beer check is not a bad idea. The beer cheque was in a bog on the bluff and those blood sucking bugs sucked big time tonight. It was great to see Rear Entry's brother out hashing and many faces not seen in awhile. Pocket Pussy and Miss Pee Pee led a bunch of hashers on a giant circle jerk while a lucky pack of ten missed that and basically hashed straight to the bluff. It was perfectly simple and given the collective non-IQ of the pack it was fitting. Relative newcomers Just Donna and Just Mark led us out of the bog through some shiggy and toward the loopy loopy loop on Shaver.

Evil twins lay evil false trails! -as observed by many. Many of us had a magical night and were not fooled but many where fooled by our beloved hares. Tripod was not lost, Muddy balls found his old groove and Goodwill Hunting did most of the work. False trails wew abundant but somehat tepid.

No kennel lays out better on-in grub than the OKH3. Honor! -This is the raving reviews from those who do not CUM on Mondays often. Cincinnati Chili and a yummy chicken stew of sorts. Gym nasty took the long way there fore beer was late to arrive. A warm roaring fire greeted the hashers and it was Monday night at its finest.

No Drama
An ample trail on a beautiful night.
And a short religion.

The pack will never be able to tell Doublemint Cum and Deep Throat apart - an observation from non regulars also. This statement by the way is false as Doublemint is the bimbo who was running fast and fell down a lot and Deep throat she is the one who also ran fast but did not fall down as often.

Sorry this hash trash is taken from email observations sent to me as I spent a rarefied night at the front of the pack so I as usual had no idea what was going on.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In honor of the King of SmushBall

“Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.”

Bart Simpson

I am going to start a new Monday night hash that is on a different night of the week. -Anonymous.

2010-09-15T23:42:00.000-07:00

Hash God's No Matter Where You Go There Ewe Are Run
Where -Walther Mittys Bar And Drill -Lake Oswego
Sunny and Periods of Darkness

On a week where we witnessed the Great Flame Debate on Yahoo Groups where I believe somebody described The Kahuna Hash as Old School and another half mind wanted to start a new Hash on Wednesday's because PH3 lacks soul. So on this beautiful Monday a rather stellar crowd of noted hashers gathered in a Lake Oswego Bar that featured blue headed people eating sirloin steaks.

Hash God (aka Twat sickle) was off without warning just as Ass Parade and Town Whore were waltzing into the Bar. Hash God headed into the land of many identical streets and the hash followed suit promptly at 7:02. It took the half minded pack 20 minutes to find a mark that was either not there and somebody must have popped out of the woods and set it or we as a pack were plain stupid. I suspect the later. I believe Circus Freak and BrushmyCock found true trail that headed into the woods and then a footy field where checking again became problematic. I believe Ass Parade found true trail which headed into the PCC woods. Doc Snotty balls wore a Viking hat which only got tangled in the shiggy. Not smart at all.

At his point in time 95 percent of us realized that it got dark early and we were with out Head. Lights on our head to find the trail. Not that it would have helped. Trail then went up a ravine with Circus Freak leading the way to the beer check .

Then we headed into the a land where all land marks and ~~streets~~ parkways looked the same. Trail looped and meandered and looped back on it self. Blast Rag and Town Whore honorably shortcutted and Tard Core did as Tard Cores do. He ran all the circles and jerks. A Kahuna bimbo (forgot her name) running her first Kahuna came in with him. She was a great addition to the hash and seem to love the old school (sic) jocularity and Little Butt Buddy was no worse for the wear.

The aforementioned pub was cleared of the blue headed crowd and now consisted of the Monday night football crowd. After 5.46 miles of running the beer flowed freely. It was a great group of hashers who enjoyed copious amounts of beer. Mudd Butt had the night off as beer bitch.

On a side note some idiot flamed Portland Brewing lately and we no longer get our usual discount at said brewery. Who is going to volunteer to blow somebody down there so we can get that back.

Religion was performed by Blast Rag and we all had a great post marathon cool down. Great group of Hashers tonight. Its nice that Hash God is off the wagon but the alcohol goes to her head. But is was a shitty shitty trail of epic proportions. Not sure how anybody could not have enjoyed them selves.

On On
Big

Other Monday Stuff - Doc Snotty Balls with his Viking Garb will be performing the duties of trail razor. He will be hitting you up after 3 beers so just say yes and set a hash or call him in the middle of the night.

Next Weeks Hash -
Cum to the Good Twin Evil Twin Hash. Deep Throat and her twin sister Double Mint Cum will be confounding us with a NoPo trail. Try to tell them apart. (Hint -Double Mint Cum will be the one in a dress)

Where: Red Fox 5128 N Albina Ave
Portland, OR 97217-2613
When: 6:30 PM, hares away at 6:45
Probably friendly to dogs. (Cats Rhinos and Newbies)
Bring your twin, or just a homeless gay that looks like you

FootNotes -Spell check does not recognize the word Tard. Actual distances recorded by Pabst Sneer and if you get lost on trail follow Comes Liberally's dog. Its a very smart dog.

2010-07-27T15:33:00.001-07:00

225
Mudd Butt is Neither Muddy or Butty Hash
Location Bloomington Park -Lents
Weather 94 and Not Bad

Over view
Mudd Butt laid a banal and sane trail which seemed like the sane and banal thing to do on a Sorta-Salty Monday night. About 45 gathered beer less in the east side of town. It was as straight forward as can be as we followed city streets with several catcalls from Budweiser beer drinking red necks, and for some reason we just kind of fit in.

Dinosaurs unearthed.
Nice Snatch anchored the pack with his crazy cute son Hazard who later took a swim at the beer check water fountain. Wild Man made a return of sorts and found many a true trail , Shitty Kitty also returned from Haitus and tore up the back of the pack while wearing pumps. Another dinosaur was unearthed as Betty Cocker made her long anticipated return to the hip Monday night hashing scene,

Virgins
Jessica was made to come by UnMemorable F*ck and she seemed to be born to hash as she ran in the front of the pack all night. Jenna (my wife) decided tonight was her night to lose her virginity. And she did. And there was much rejoicing as we up rooted trees for hours and hours.

Oddities on Trail

Blast rag now has webbed feet.
Crack up handled the money tonight with class and dexterity.
Stinky won the hash.
A local parked behind a Busdweiser tried to join us.
Man Milk was not lost for a second.
Tripod nearly ended up on Mt. Scott.
Hash distance was 3.17 miles. Click on it to see the trail.
The keg needed shaking to work.
The sky was awesome tonight.
WetSpots talked about the W thing.
Hydrolicks has participation in her eyes.
Hot Buns has been inducted into grad school. (Happy Hour Friday)
Hot Buns gave a bunch of us autographed Hot Bun pants.
Penus Fly Tramp did not sweat.
Curdled Cheese Jizz loves her new name even though I cant remember it
Mystery Meat Face Book posted about the hash while not at the hash.
Gym Nasty Dreamed of Gin and Tonics.
Comes Prepared was neither prepared or came.
Circus Freak (great hash name) showed up to hash with a 100.00 bill
Just Patrick - looked like the deer in the head lights
SOPA - not surprisingly got red carded.

Religion
Doc Snotty balls led religion with down downs to the hare (1.8 seconds), Jessica (2.2), Jenna (Pi seconds) and Betty cocker (still has not finished). Sport drinking went into the night. A bunch of us played pool afterwards. That was fun.

A perfect night to hash.

2010-07-14T10:29:00.000-07:00

#223 Mikhail Brush My Cock and Twatsicle God @ Riverdale Grade School

We gathered in the slums of Lake Oswego for a night of nakedness and social intercourse.

God and Cock went up the hill

To fetch a pail of lager.

Cock fell down and broke into a frown

And God came shortly soon after.

As they sprayed random flour in a confusing 8 way check by some run down house, the puzzling check eventually was solved by Downtown, her Puppy and TardCore. We literally had half minds running in every direction possible with Ph*ckedUpPhonics running into the woods, Flaming Fart and then just Lisa the opposite way only to lead to a well conceived beer check in a once thriving cul-d-sac in Lake O.

Thats where we met the German from Intel. It was the first time in my life I was beat to the beer check by a wise cracking German in Blue Jeans. Probably a first by many. He was a funny mother f***er and learned hashing quickly. Naughty Girl, Chester and Doublemint bitched about the omnipotent mosquito's and the Coors light. (Coincidence I think not as that beer causes mosquitoes).

Hash Axiom Number 65.86 -When haring have your spouse run the hash as it may or may not cut down on bitching about the trail.
Hash Axiom Number 3.14 -Remember your own hash name. I believe Mikhail Brush My Cock mis- stated his own hash name at religion. But still a stellar effort by a quick to learn virgin.

Over the river, and through the woods,
To Bustling Route 43 we ran;
The hares sorta know the way to lead on the trail
through the black and gritty land

That is right we ran with late rush hours cars which was a bit hare raising (sic) but that's hashing. It was at this particular point Head First and Mystery Meet (sic) and the funny red headed girl in the web shoes led us back to the start.

Which was the end, but we had no beer until lolly gagging Gym Nasty got done hashing. So we stood around and ate giant Orange balls. As we stood around with orange balls in our mouth I heard giggling and laughing as DocSnottyBalls (DSB), GotManMilk (GM2) and UnMemerablePhu*k (UMF) had stumbled upon a name for just Lisa. DSB texted me the name and I do not have my phone so of course I do not remember the name (editors note: -I refuse to take more than 30 minutes for a write so I do no research). In other words why let the truth get in the way.

Her name was something like Cuntess of Curdled Cheese (Gym Nast corrected me) or something like that. Somebody please correct me here. Religion was led by Pabst with our usual order of business as we stood around mostly naked, swigging beers and engaging in intercourse in the slums of Lake Oswego.

On On
Go Timbers

2010-06-29T22:38:00.000-07:00

221 Mystery Hares (Hi and Lois)

Chase the mystery hares through the wild shiggy of North Portland. Dress for kahuna/Hawaiian hashing.

Meet at Six Point Inn - 6801 N Columbia Way (@ N Fessenden) Hares off at 6:45; well-lubed pack off at 7:00. Shiggy-rific A-A' trail. Dogs okay-ish.

Bring: hash cash, virgins, Hawaiian outfits, wahinis, feastly attitude for on-in bbq, new shoes.

On a night with wild weather and where the unexpected was expected about 35 hashers met at the SixPoint Inn in North Portland. The Six Point in a haven for those who aspire to Drink full time. A lair of warmth with a hint of smoke from days gone by. Seriously, there were many veteran veteran hashers in attendance but it felt like we were doing it for the first time.

Mystery Hares showed up at the start in costumes with Rear Entry studying a map and Lois Lame looking like the Lone Ranger. The trail went through back yard brier bushes and headed over toward the train tracks on Columbia and as we headed north a train actually rambled through between the pack and where the trail was headed. Some savy short cutters (Doc Snotting Balls, Bundling Board, Hot Buns, Cream Jeans) did manage to successfully cheat while the rest of us wanked as a train stalled on the tracks like a scene from

Trainspotting is a 1996 British drama film directed by Danny Boyle based on the novel of the same name by Irvine Welsh. The movie follows a group of ~~heroin~~ beer addicts in a late 1980s economically depressed area of ~~Edinburgh~~ Portland and their passage through life. The film stars Ewan McGregor as Barnacle Box, Ewen Bremner as , Whiskey Dick played by Jesus with cameos from Slut machine and her her whale dog.

We did eventually make it to the beer check as we lined the bike path cheering families on like on the Tour De France and eventually made it into the SLUT HOUSE on the bluff.

Religions was funny as can be. Hot Buns serenaded hashers from Brazil with a Portuguese versions of hash songs and Chester Fuster Cluck and Mystery Meat led the masses to a 35 piece round of Swing Low.

Quick Glimpses from this week.

Rear Entry surprises gal friend Doublemint Come by coming ...................................to the hash and laying........ trail. Unmemorable F**k was just unmemorable as usual and tried to out smart the train, Doc Snotty Balls and Whiskey Dick won the hash with a last minute short cut, Tripod actually finished a hash, hash God had her neice in tow, where the F*** is Tard Core, Penis Fly Tramp should have short cutted and all in all A Perfect Night to Hash.

HareRising Facts -

Rear Entry has raised the bar for all us wankers, remembering anal verse aires and all that stuff. kudos for jumping out of the car, picking up a map and laying everything in sight.

Lois Lame - After missing the hash 31 weeks in a row he makes his triumphant return like when Bachman Turner Over Drive came out of retirement and toured again.

2010-05-18T10:50:00.000-07:00

216
When: meet @6:30, hares off @6:45, Pack off @7:00
Where: Cosmo Lounge 6707 Southeast Milwaukie Avenue Portland, OR 97202 (503) 233-4220
Details: A to A, Bring $5, virgins and leave the strollers

Logistics and BackGround
The when and where of this hash were sent out on the Intertubes midday Monday which usually forshadows a small pack but today nothing made sense.A warm steamy evening greeted the feeble half minds gathered at Cosmo Lounge. This place is classy as it still smells of Marlboros a good 19 months after fags were banned from drinking establishments.

The Hares
Penis Fly Tramp has hared twice before with mixed reults but in general she is ballsy, she hares and it is fun. Lisa made her debut on the big screen today. She is fairly new to Monday night and it is quite surprising she has not been named yet as she has a foul mouthed salty lovable reputation. It is an upset of epic proportions she has not been named yet.

The Journey
A romp through sellwood neighborhoods, up to Johnson Creek to a beer check on the wet end of a stream crossing. Some sting nettles and rusty fence climbs followed by golf course hashing and a mean circle jerk back in Sellwood.

Abbreviated Cast of Caricatures

Moose Knuckle - led the ambush on Johnson Creek.
Stink Finker -Per Usual had blood running down his Arm.
Doublemint Cum - Short cutted to ACropolis , no trail to be found.
Mystery Meat - Front running Bastard blew a gasket in his quadracept.
Blast Rag - we all need one or two and we needed a Blast rag tonight as she ran all the tough false trails, did all the uphill legs and get everybody safe on the stream crossing.
Coitus - seen wandering the SpringH20 borridor.
Doc SnottyBalls - Showed up late and did 5 mile minutes to catch up.
Cums Prepared - Usual loud obnoxios self.
Deep Throat - Another Late Comer- barely missed winning hash.
Trunk Monkey - Deflowered a flower. Had one pabst too many.
Shitty Kitty - short cutted ill faied circle jerk in Sellwood.
Phucked Up Phonics - Cold Day, Hot Shorts, Not a great day to be a fan of the sun or the Suns.
No Beer Queer - Somehow shoes caught on fire. Not sure abouth how?
Virgin Bimbo -as usual no memory of her name but she was a trooper knocking back beers, jumping Johnson Creek
Virgin Wanker - lead singer of the Decemberists.. Had nothing better to do.
Bimbo Bar tender at Cosmos in a Tank Top - former hasher whom I would like to adopt.

Religion was led by some idit who forgot how to do religion once again proving the co-existence of Scence and Religion is irrelevent.

Below is a review of both Iron Man 2 as well as this hash aka FlyTramp3,

Right from the start, and if for no other reason, the makers of "~~Iron Man 2~~ (This Hash)," the sequel to the ~~delightful 2008 hit~~ hash set in NorthPortland, should be commended for not slathering their trail in microbrew effects and thereby upping the hang over prices larcenously. In a hobby where the ethos of 'If you can't make it shiggy, make it 3D' increasingly prevails, it's refreshing to see Lisa and Tramp decide that what was good enough for, oh, "~~The Matrix~~ The Beer Check" is good enough for the On-In.

That said, though, "FT3" is only a metaphor -- if an agreeable and harmless one -- of its predecessor hash. So very often, third hashes in a franchise are like second albums by f***ing Cold Play: the debut represents years of applied work and heart and inspiration, while the follow-up is done as a means to get laid imposed by a corporation and heedless of the comings and sewings of the muses of creative fortune.

Here, an eclectic atmosphere pervades the saucy doings of bimbo pauper inventor JustLisa and her armored alter ego VFT, and nothing that the utterly charming Tramp. does can revive the verve that made the first hash such a debacle. There's nothing offensively wrong about "FTP3," but there's plenty in it that infuses you with a sense of thrills, laughs, tension, drama or fun. Its a no holds barred clusterfu** of epic proportions. I have a feeling Rectal Rooters girlfriend wouuld have enjoyed this one.

2010-05-04T00:01:00.000-07:00

Kahuna Hash 212 Muddy Balls and Reddi Nip
Kahuna Hash 213 Tripod and Just Claudine

In life, travel and hashing if things go as planned we have very few stories to tell. I never got around to writing up The Muddy Balls and Reddi Nip hash. Hell there was nothing much to write up as this banal hash was set by hashing legends Muddy Balls and Tazi-Reddi Nip. Things happened as expected as we had crazy ugly fuc*ed up weather, a dash up a raging waterfall as well as an ankle biting poison ivy infected desent back into a warm on in filled with bountiful food and ample spirits. Pretty much the definition of hashing. Which brings us the scandel of the century.

Taliban or Some Other Clandestine Agency Sets Kahuna 213

Insest Blamed, Or Maybe All in the Family- Hopefully if you are reading this hash trash at work, I have lost you. It happens much like on trail tonight. We we were lost a lot tonight, The only halfmind who could find true trail tonight was that hipster who wears ripped up jeans on trail. It is a bit humbling to us experinced hashers when the Hipster Guy in The Ripped Up Jeans (HGITRUJ) keeps finding true trail. But there is a poetic justice to that. As Pabst Smear once philosophically babbled "Rail Road Tracks are not Shiggy" We then followed said non shiggy (ie the railroad tracks) for eons only to be deposited at a Beer Check behind OMSI where we were quizically met by the other half of the hash running the trail backward. If that was hard to follow, I somehow described it pretty well.

The beer check was next to the Willamette River near the Hawthorne Bridge right behind OMSI but Ms. GotManMilk loudly asked the proverbial question of the day "WHERE ARE WE?" As we were next to three of Portlands prominent landmarks and still Man Milk didn't know where we were. At this point the surly grey clouds opened up as we headed to a quaint ending behind the Party Store. Well kind of; as the other half ot the pack were out roaming around. Screams Her Own Name led the pack of lost people to a ship wreck on an Island and the Smoke Monster (UnMemorable *u*k) saved the day somehow.

There There is Claudine. she was the co hare of the knight (sic). She honestly would not know the difference between back checking and being on her back. But she certainly liked the idea of hashing and may try it again.

Then There is Tripod - She has not touched flour since she baked a cake in her Betty Crocker easy Bake Oven back in 10th grade. So somebody had to set trail .

So I asked a few questions later that night. Gathering a few suspects.

How does one set a false trail?

All in The Family - You don't.
Tripod - You put a for sale train car on trail.
Cluadine -2 shots of Vodka and a little vermouth
Tard Core - You just don't Mark the turns

What do 3 dots together signify

All in The Family - Nothing
Tripod - SOS
Cluadine -2 shots of Vodka and a little vermouth
Tard Core - ask P*nis Fly Tramp

What does OMSI Stand For

All in The Family - Other Men Should Instead
Man Milk -Wheres That
Tripod - Only ManMilk Should Inbibe
Cluadine -One Must Stay Inside
Tard Core - Oregon Tard Core Museum (He was drunk by now)

In conclusion, we have no idea where the trail went or who set that monstosity.

OnOn
Big

2010-04-21T12:42:00.000-07:00

OKH3 #211 Tardcore & Penis FlyTramp

Hares: Tard Core & Penis FlyTramp
Meetup at Leisure Public House- 8002 N. Lombard

A small but feisty group met at the Leisure Public House out near the St. Johns Bridge.

Of course our vestal virgins of haring where sporting shirts from ultra marathons and some running race sponsored by their work.

But they had the sense to sneak out the bar and set false trails in every direction. After about 400 yards of such activity done in 40 minutes Mudd Butt and String Cheese had an epiphany and discovered the Hares did not know how to set a trail that turned. If we were running straight we were perfectly fine. It was at this point Gym Nasty, Little Shit and Big Shitter just ran where the trail should have gone thus catching the hares.

Penis Fly Tramp (PFT) was adamant about not being caught but her pants, panties and running shoes ended up in the river and we simply ripped Tard Cores R*thing shirt and hung it on the St. Johns Bridge.

The beer check was 30 beers for 18 people and Pabst Smear dug out a bottle of some hard lick her. Reddy Nip led the incursion out from the beer check up a mean raspberry bush falsie up toward the Portway Tavern where I am told there was another beer check. Flaming Fart, StinkFinger and Mr. Crème Jeans led the assault on the bluff.

Deep Throat (dont click here) and Chester FusterCluck led another group of short cutters with the aid some app on their cell phone.When we got back to the Bar TardCore and PFT were staring at each others private thoughts only to be called for beer and food duty.

Leisure Public House was fantastic as we had great beers, Tomato Basil Soup as well as Toasted Cheese. A few games of spirited bocci ball broke out all went off with out a hitch. In life when somebody else cooks I seldom complain and the same goes for hashing. Hares set an ambitious trail with a few hiccups but as they say in the bidness, if things go as planned what stories do we have to tell.

Honour to the hares, for haring and not going through the motions and taking some chances.

On On
Big SH***er

2010-03-24T15:13:00.000-07:00

Kahuna Hash Run 206
Hares DoubleMint Come and Rear Entry
Weather - Clear and 60 Degrees.

It was a curious night at a curious Bar tucked up on Killingswoth. Saraveza is one of the cooler bars I have been in a while. Honour to the hares on that. People came out of the woodwork tonight and it was great to see Humpers and vagabonds alike such as Feticus, PullIt Out, Scoobie, Female MysteryMeat, Mary Kay Latrino, Loose Caboose, and Blast Rag. These are faces not seen often on a Monday.

Trail tonight was run of the mill with various unusual short cuts through unsuspecing back yards. I believe there were 9 dogs on trail and 5 children under the age of 5 and StinkFinger. The beer check had copious amounts of beer which left nobody thirsty and the second half of the trail was a jovial romp on a warm sunny spring day.

The On-In sucked out loud. Tons of Hawaiin Food expertly cooked by the hares that was actually served on real plates with real silverware. Another thing that really blew was the warm fire. Damn if that wasn't the horses ass.

Just a week before Got man Milk had loudly proclaimed that this hash was going to suck in epic proportions. And today March 22nd The Double Mint Cum and Rear Entry set the collssal clusterf**k for the ages as we all drank copius amounts of quality beer, relaxed by a warm fire, quaphed warm food during perfect weather and had an easy to follow trail.

For those who did not get laid when they got home after this run.
It is your own damn fault.
Wish I had something to bitch about but i do not.

2010-03-03T12:42:00.000-08:00

Kahuna Hash Run 204

Hares Doc Snotty Balls Got Man Milk

Local - Flirts at The Airport

We drank some beers ,,,,,blablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablabla we ran for a while blablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablabla
blablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablabla we checked for awhile
and then we got to the Killing field...

Military Fighter planes roared over head as we could barely hear our selves complain and a gang of 25 (and when 25 hashers go into a killing field ...not everybody is going to make it out in one piece). We steadfastly forged random mine field like knee high stinging numbing black berry bushes that made your legs tingle and burn. Run a few yards and (wham Bam Kapoo) a blackberry bush reaches out and bites you.

But we made it to an oasis in the killing field. A land of beer and easter Eggs.. Yes Snotty and Get Milk hid Easter Eggs as we relaxed and imbided on beer and chocolate after surviving the blackberry minefied. Pocket P*ssy & Comes Prepared ate tons of chocolate and led us back into the Killing Field.

Which brought us to a 3 foot Slough crossing. Its the perfect distance for many but the law of large numbers dictate somebody is not going to survive.

"Now, Pabst Smear! now, HashGod! now, Chester and Hot Buns!

On, Tripod! on Deep Throat! on, Gym Nasty and Virgins!

To the top of the shiggy! to the top of the slough!

Now jump away! drink away! splash away all!"

This Is what Tripod did. With one graceful swan dive she missed the Dry opposite bank ending up with Jet fuel, Mud and blood sucking leeches on every exposed body part. And non the smarter, Deep Throat almost did exactly the same. She only had blood sucking leeches from the her waist to her beer socks. But for the most part we survived the Killing Field.

anf predictably we
We hashed some more ,,,,,blablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablabla we ran for a while blablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablabla

blablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablabla we checked for awhile
and traversed a fenced named Barb surrounding the lovely Holiday Inn.

WTF does the Holiday inn have Barbie wire all around it is beyond me. Most things are. I was told by the desk manager it is too keep the Gays Out. She was a bit of an Idiot.

Dear God Tw*tSickle led Religion.. People drank and drove home.

On On
Big

2010-02-24T15:26:00.000-08:00

Hares Double Mint Come and Brokeback

I heard somebody on trail say "Sex with these two must be a challenge" as just when you think you are finished she looks you in the eyes and says "I not done yet".

The night started out perfectly at a cool dive and we tried buying birthday boy a seven and seven and ended up with a Gin & Ginger Ale. Foreshadowing aside, what a nice turnout.

The trail went lots of places hitting every alley, side street, park and dive bar in North East Portland, with about an hour of hashing over on Alberta and then an hour of hashing over in Wilshire park (where the hares where astute enough to have a 48 pack of beer) and finally another hour of hashing in the slums of Irvington.

4 vestal virgins where stunned by the early NASCAR pace as the checks did not slow down anybody.

A crazy check on Alameda ridge confounded many a half mind, (Remember the theory of hashing 1/2 mind times 1/2 mind = 1/4 mind.) tried to solve a crazy confounding check. It is analogous to the previous comment as this check was like trying to solve a difficult snap in the front bra back when you were in 9th grade. Can't say I have figured that one out yet.

Truth be told, having sex for hours isn't all that bad and being out on trail for hours and hours tonight was much the same...But after 2 and half hours of anything most of us would like a beer...

And for a few minutes we completely ran out of beer.

But our lovey hares Double Mint Come and Brokeback

ran out and stole a few cases from some kids

walking out of a seven eleven.

a haiku

Nasty Alameda

check nearly broke double mints

ability to come

Rumor has it there was pizza and cookies and all kinds of food but many of us took forever to solve the difficult snap in the front bra beer check. So we simply drank and played Pingpong. Fun fun evening.

On On Big

2010-02-09T10:37:00.000-08:00

D ont deny it we all had fun

E ven if we hashed all the way to Idaho

A nd back again and had

T omato Juice and beer at the beer checks

H aving run up and down

M t Tabor 4 times

A nd then a fifth time

R unning and breathing heavy

C huggung beer and running for an

H our before we had beer

O nly to do another

F reicken loop into Idaho

E ventually looping through the state

P enetentiary and right back

I nto a real

C ool house that

P robably was

R eally

O nly

P ut together for said

O ccasions but it

R eally had a kick ass view

T hat being said

I t was perfect night

O r a perfect occasion to

N or complain and

S imply hash.

This was an IM between myself and the hare the next morning...It was a long run but all inall we had a very shitty time on beautful evening. Long but well worth it...Thanks Chester for doing religion.

MM[10:24 AM]:you have fun last night?
Big[10:24 AM]:yes.......i got a bit tired as we headed into idaho
MM [10:24 AM]:lol we talked about one thing, then he changed his mind during the running of it
BIG [10:25 AM]: what a great evening, i love clear evenings on Tabor
MM [10:25 AM]:it was greati was terrified that the hash got LOST> the pack i mean
but you guys came in not too far after u.s
BIG [10:26 AM]:I do not not know how you kept everybody together on Tabor...the weaving pretzel loop
MM [10:26 AM]:just the right amount of flour
BIG [10:27 AM]:I guess so....I love the one can of Clamato and Mickeys tall boy at that second beer check in Idaho (can of Clamato)
MM [10:27 AM]:we had no clue the turnout was going to be so good the keg didn't get a big dent though figured more beer would have been consumed.
BIG [10:28 AM]:Monday is now the new Wednesday thats kind of Monday night thing ..hash responsibly
MM [10:29 AM]:rightbut there were a lot of folks so anyway
BIG [10:29 AM]:lots of nakedness
MM [10:29 AM]:was there any? we didn't lay any d or b checks
BIG [10:29 AM]: it reads dorb checks
MM [10:30 AM]:whatevai got flustered there at religiondrove down to the bar to grab tripod who was lost
BIG [10:30 AM]:we all do.....at least your not like me and lose your keys

2010-02-02T10:46:00.000-08:00

Team Beer Game 2

What a great time on Saturday! We took to the pitch for the second

time as a team and this time we had much more of our Beer family
present. With a few subs on the bench, we were able to give a little
more hustle and it showed. With Rear Entry guarding the cage, BigS
was free to run the field. There will be few teams or none that will
out run us this season and we showed this in the first half by taking
an early lead and letting our legs make-up for what our foot-skills
lacked.

Rear Entry was like King Kong swatting down helicopters. He greedily
guarded the goal despite a flurry of balls being shot his way. (We
needed Tranny to give the opposition his own flurry of balls) The
dopple-gangsta's Deep Throat and Doublemint Cum relentlessly attacked
the opposing teams forcing loose balls and fast break chances.

Dr. Snotty used his hulking mass to rough up the defense while Ferlan
used his quickness to create chances at goal while Downtown, Ann,
Toolbox, and Kamberly used their mad passing skillz to frustrate the
other team. We ended the second half at a 1-1 tie after a single goal
managed to sneak in.

The second half wasn't quite so friendly to us as we softened up a bit
and our prudish defense became just a bit loose. We still finished
the game with style, however and we showed a growing amount of
teamwork.

We must keep in mind that although we are a brand new team... we are
playing in the top co-ed division due to a consolidation of divisions
1 and 2 and division 3 being filled up. The fact that we are very
competitive already shows a LOT of class on our end. We are gonna get
SOOOO much better!!!

MVP goes to the injured Man Milk for cheerleading, photo-taking, and
serving BEER bread after the game.

I am excited for next week. Let's plan a killer post-game on-after.
Our game runs from 9-9:50 PM. We can relish our awe-inspiring
football feats, bask in the adrenaline induced comraderie, and numb
our ibuprofen-laced joints with beer, LOTS of beer!
Here is a link to the 'Indoor Goals' website:

<>

2010-01-25T23:44:00.000-08:00

Kahuna Hash Number 199

Hares Flaming Fart and Hot Buns

Local : Hideaway Park -Tigard(sic) Or.

Hideaway Park is called that because it is hidden away and we all found the park well except for a few numb skulls Mystery Meat and Deboner had navigation problems but that can be expected.

USA Today -Dumb Shit Version
Bullet points of the night (I am writing this up during a w-thing confernce call)

Deep Throat - Really Sore from playing soccer. Actually thought hare arrows were stick figures.
Tool Box - Everveescent, chatty one of the few Hashers to actually run one step.
Frigid Hole - Shes moving to some square state. Her potty moth was very potty tonight.
FuFu - First Kahuna in 199 weeks for him. Had seven beers at beer check.
Pabst - lugubrious tonight. Very quiet and un obnoxious. WTF
Stink Finger - Hashed in his own private world.
Tripod - experienced a private orgasm at 2nd beer check
Scouts Honour- had a frog jump in her shorts over by Episcipol
Cankle Sore -as far as I know he was not there...
Coitus - Found first and 2nd beer check
Comes Prepared - actually came very unprepared...wore work racing shirt.
Hash G.o.D -had 3 red bulls and Cankle Sore stole 2 of them.
(note G.O.d does not stand for Greg Odens D**k.).
Gym Nasty - Is still on trail.
Chester FusterCluck - listened to Deep throat when she envisioned stick figures in the road. And believed her.
Doc Snotty Balls - Riding the Maggie express.
Man Milk - home with a broken ankle
Wet Spots - waxed poetically the entire time
Sniffy - had a stiffy and did not offend anybody. it was national be nice night.
Pocket Pushy - served as bar tender at beer check2.
Shoot But Does Score - found true trail going out of the ist beer check, thusly saving us prcious imbibing time.
Ditch Bitch - goy stuck in Barb wire, big hole in the front of her pants.
Skinny Bitch - conjured wicked shortcutting schemes and none came to fruition.
Mudd Butt - got laid in phone booth. ask him about it.

Basically a pedestrian tour of the Tigard, Beaveton Portland confluence. 2 beer checks, a very logical (imagine that) easy trail to follow and a great group of people quaphing (great scrabble word) beer. Another perfect night to hash.

Reminder -Next week is Kahuna 200. Start is at the Marcum shelter...I fully expect these Castaways and Cutouts Next week....Horses Ass, GILF, O, Spoogie, F***en Gomer, MildDude, Tool Box's Brother, A2Mouth, Slut, Fluffer, Betty Cocker, MuddyBalls, Carolina Moon, Barely Man Below Pavlov and Greg Oden.

2010-01-25T08:55:00.000-08:00

(Summary by Chester CF -listed without permission)

From the moment Deep Throat and I stepped into the soccer center, we

knew it was the beginning of something special. The smell of sweat,
leather, and adrenaline filled the voluminous structure, but another
smell permeated the senses...beer. Yes, beer is served cold from the
front desk and you can enjoy it from the beer lounge on the far side
of the field... sweet! We knew from this moment that Team Beer had
found a home.

By ones and twos, Beerites arrived at the grand hall to proudly don
their BEER socks and take the field. We were feeling the pain of some
missing teammates, but we intrepidly kicked off with 4 wankers, and 3
bimbos...no subs. Our lineup included Downtown (c*ms Liberally), Dr.
Snotty Balls, Got Man Milk, Mike Ferlan, Big Sh*tter, Deep Throat and
myself. BigSh*tter stood in for the absent Rear Entry aptly and with
confidence and greedily snatched almost every ball kicked in the
direction of our brutally defended goal. Only one opposing goal made
it through our fearsome Backfield. Just to keep him on his toes,
Downtown slipped a self-goal past him with a quasi-apologetic smirk...
he learned at that moment to expect anything. I relieved him in the
cage for the final 5 or 6 minutes to grant him some minutes in the
opposing paint. We had survived our first half with style.

The second half only got better... our rag tag group of socker hacks
began to show early signs of teamwork, communication, team-defense.
We enjoyed our first offensive success, we began to give and go, and
bust a move. It was beautiful! We had to appreciate Mike's cRaZy
hustling...if only he could avoid being hard-checked into the glass by
the 98 pound bimbos on the other team! Our only scare came when Man

Milk tweaked her ankle and took a bench for a spell. (Later on, she
appeared to be walking normal...tough bimbo!) This team is gonna be
awesome! We missed all of those who couldn't make the first game but
we finished the game proudly with a 1-7 "victory".
At the After-party, we showed our true talent, beer drinking. We
crashed the nearby Oak Hills Mcmenamins pub. We raised a glass (or
two) to Team Beer. Team Beer has officially hit the pitch.

If you missed the first game, you should be looking forward to joining
the fun. I look forward to our next game! I went ahead and paid the
center so if you haven't yet paid, just pay me. ($65) BTW, the
schedule has changed after week two, so if you printed a schedule, you
might wanna re-print. Man Milk is bringing beer-bread to the next
match and Tranny is planning to debut his enormous blue balls, I hope
next week that Snotty Balls brings a white jersey just in case, that
kids size small pinnie just didn't cover enough of him. I would so
don't miss out! Let the Beer flow!!!
Remember: Show up next week before 8:10, Pay Jeff $65, get a $10
player's card, wear a black jersey, bring a white one. I have 4
unclaimed pairs of BEER socks for $10/pair available.

Link to website:

2010-01-12T15:33:00.000-08:00

Two state hash. Pocket Pussy and Tramvestight won't lead you astray!

Start: Bradley's Bar & Grill 11995 N Center Ave, Portland @ Jantzen Beach near the McDonald's Tel: (503) 289-6090
How often can you say you hashed in two states in one night?

Who would have thunk it. There are 1000 of bars in the LaPlaya De Jantzen. Apparently the Rednecks up in the Couv Cum over here and play some form of the lottery.

Bradley's lets face it is in Bum F*** Egypt and we were expecting a small crowd but the who is who of Monday night hashing was here tonight. Chester Fuster Cluck got costume of the night for dressing like some one from the Couv, Hydro-licks got Anal Retentive Bimbo of the Night for finding the one non invisible beer check despite participation in both eyes.

This trail was truly one big Dick of a hash. We started out on the left ball as DoubleMint Cum caressed the first real check by Target. As we circled the left ball Mystery Meats buddy went down three times only to cum out right next to Tool Box who was going under I5 and toward the right ball by the beer check. (Theres a map above). Deep Throat headed around the right ball and headed toward the base of the Penis where we found Head First with a smirk on his face the size of Texas.

Beers and Schnapps were enjoyed by all at the beer check as we stood in a Smegma field below I5. Rear Entry led the masses on the in & out part of the trail into the state of Washington as we crossed the ever treacherous Columbia River penis part of the trail. A beer check was apparently set but could not be found as we penetrated every bush possible much to Mud Butts chagrin. We pretty much shot our load there in the bushes as Down Town led out us of the Couv and much heavy petting ensued. Cream Jeans was just this and his little dog too. Master dating in two states and finally time for the climatic thrusting on in.

Tool Box and Comes Prepared had a post (semi coital) Bush light as they entered our Honky-Tonk Bar of the night. It was such a lottery and NasCar kind of bar. So when Rome do as the locals do. Quaph bad beer and eat Or-Ida French Fries.

Religion was Done expertly by Snotty Balls. Mystery Meat did a large proportion of those. Pabst Smear and Blast Rag received down downs for the end of fellatio.

So on a dark and stormy night we acted liked dicks, ran a trail shaped like one and it is what is. Monday might quirkiness enjoyed by all. Honour to the layers of the dick trail. Pocket Pussy and TramVestTight (or something close to that) you may be a joy to your Mothers.

Butt.

2010-01-12T15:02:00.000-08:00

2009-12-29T00:29:00.000-08:00

Hutch but why does my butt hurt? running of the 195th Kahuna hash! Brought to you by Cankle SORE

There was vixen , and comet, stinky and spots, pabst and man milk, the doc, the flaming fart, the nasty (gym), the hare krotch, the cankle, fucks ewes (has recently returned from Americore), screams her own name and chum guzzler, Pocket Pussy, Trampvestite (formerly known as Mans broke the Mantle), cums in taxis, and bunch of other wankers including a Just something or another (bimbo), on his knees? And Another wanker out lost (AWOL). Did you all hear that AWOL is leaving us to fight in the Middle east. Bring our Soliders home SAFE PLEASE!

So, We were 69 in all (minus about 40) in the 27 degree weather running the streets near Providence hospital. Chum guzzler shared that the last time he was running past Providence on Glisan he had to go to the ER because he twisted and ankle or something.

There was Gold schlager (aka cinnamon schapps with gold flakes) next to the Joan of Ark at 39th and Glisan, we ran past xmas lights over the hills and far away then oveer I – 84 and through dog parks to find big cans of Foster Brew, dog shit and Jagermeister. (Yummy), (For the record only Stinkfinger stepped in dog shit). At last,
We got back to the bar and drank good beer (imagine that…? good beer at a hash? well it's a Kahuna) and sang some silly songs that Krotchna lead including: "it's a small dick" and "would you like a finger in your ear"

Cream jeans did a down down for his stupid ass dog, so did Cums in Taxis for the "Douche Dog" and we drank silly and ran home to watch the Blazers lose to the 76ers boo hoo.

More to cum on Wednesday when Trunk Monkee Deflours Fourgasm NOW that is one to see. Two steaming hot (single ?) bimbos!
Speaking of BIMBOS the 2010 Dead Whores Calendar is out, ready for your wall space. Get um now!

ON ON and Happy New Year! HK

2009-12-16T15:44:00.000-08:00

Kahuna Hash 193(Adventure/Musical) (2009) -Portway tavern

“Murphy, I don’t think we’re in Portland anymore…”

The story of the Virgin in the OSU Hat.

Major Characters
Slut Machine……………………………………………………………..Judy Garland
A sweet and very innocent girl who lives on a farm in North Portland with her
dog. After being hit on the head during a recent false trail, Slut falls into a long and deep dream in which she visits the magical “Portway Tavern.”

TwatSickle…………………………………………………………………..
Slut complete opposite who has to take care of the cash as well as manage the Kahuna Hash.

Sniffylust………………………………………………….…………….

Reddi Nipps husband was just out for a hash and a smoke.

Pocket PussEye/The Scarecrow of sorts…………………………….………….….
PP is one of the wankers on Slut's trail , but in the land of the Portway, he’s a gentle whiskey carrying hasher who is very sad because he doesn’t have a brain

(A pocketpussy is an object that is made of straw and shaped like a man,
that is placed on hash trail to scare birds away from the flour).

Pabst Smear/The Tinman…………………………………..……..……
Pabst is another dullard hasher, but in the land of Portway, he’s a gentle man made out of tin metal, who is sad because he doesn’t always have a beer.

The Virgin in an OSU Hat……………………….……………………………..….One of the funnier virgins we have had in along time.

Miss Gulch/The Wicked Bitch of the West…………..The Bar Tender at the Portway.

Murphy……………………………………………………………………played by……….Toto
Slut’s much loved pet, and perhaps the most
famous hashing dog in the history of the hashing.

Plot Summary

This hash is the amazing story of Slut, a no so very sweet and innocent girl who hashes with her Dog on or near the beloved Portway tavern.

(It’s not clear when it was supposed to take place, since story of this hash was written in 1902, but the trail was not laid until 2009, and there are no obvious references to suggest an exact date). One day Slut decides to run away from the Portway in order to protect her little dog, Murphy, after a horribly mean woman named Cankle Sore threatens to have him killed. Slut and Murphy leave to discover the world, but after meeting a strange yet kind man named Gym Nasty, she decides to return to the Toxic Waste Dump a few hours later, just as a tornado/down pour hits the trail. She is hit in the crouch as desending the bluff, and instantly falls into a deep, color filled and magical orgasim.

Enters our Virgin of the Night (The Virgin in an OSU Hat)

Who finds herself in a fascinating world called the Land of Portway, where evil bitches and good hashers and various talking animals all live. She is treated as a hero by the Munchkin hashers, because her ankle was fallen on, and thus killed, the Wicked Back Check to the East. But Dorothy The Virgin in an OSU Hat soon discovers that this Slut had a sinister plan, the Wicked Bitch of the Portway, who is still very much alive. ,TwatSickle the good and beautiful Witch of the North, makes sure that the Virgin in an OSU Hat is protected from this other Wicked Bitch, by placing The Virgin in an OSU Hat in magic ruby hashing shoes(red shoes), that have great powers that keep toxic waste off ones shoes, and the Mudd Butt of the Hashs very much wants to have the hare for dinner.

Although Slut loves many of the wonderful things about this new world, she very much wants to return the pack back to the Portway. Tramsvestite tells her that unfortunately, the only person who could do that is the Virgin in the OSU hat.

On the way to the portway Virgin in the OSU hat, becomes friends with three magical characters, all of whom decide to join her, both to protect her, and to see if the hashers can also be of help each of them. Her three new friends are the Flaming Fart, who wants the Wizard to give him a brain, the Mudd Butt, who wants the hare to give him a heart on, and the Lying Lion Big Shit*er, who wants the hare to give him some courage (That would be beer) . The Virgin in the OSU hat meets one after the other, and all the while, she must face the constant threats of the Wicked Trail on the Bluff, who does everything she can to prevent Cankle Sore and his friends from reaching their destination.

Eventually though, they do reach the Portway, but before the Slut will give them what they desire, they must face the Mighty Down down one last time. After doing so, all of Slut’s friends seem to get what they had wished for excluding Mudd Butt, and Virgin in the OSU hat herself learns an amazing lesson about hashing, beer and the way to get back to her beloved home at the Portway….

2009-12-08T22:52:00.000-08:00

'Twas weeks before Christmas, and the hash was to begin
Almost every hasher was drinking, except for the Nasty Gym ;
The beer checks were prelaid by the Rose Garden with beer ,
In hopes that Sir Mudd Butt soon would lay trail to beer near;

The hashers were nestled in the bar with beer in their head,
With visions of Phucking cold weather and warm Shnapps instead;
And Granny Panties in his 'Long Johns', and a Virgin in skirt,
Had just settled down for a long winter's hashing circle jerk,

When out on the streets there arose such a clatter,
The hashers searched to see what was the matter.
Away to the first check we wanted to hold,
And then were reminded is was really phuckin cold.

The flour on the breast of the newly-laid trail
Made the run to Burnside a beer breath frozen contrail,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a flimsy beer check , shnapps and some beer,

With a little hot chocolate, and whipped creme for tops,
We knew in a moment it must it was Peppermint Shnapps.
More rapid than Tiger would the hashers they came,
And he Gym Nasty, he himself would sing the refrain.

'Now, Skinny Bitch now, and you Mr Flaming Fart
Oh, HASH ON! oh FREEZE ON! now simply depart
To the top of West Portland to the top of the hill
Now hash away! hash away! dash away until!......

Five minutes after hare leaves and wicked flour does fly,
When they meet with a false trail , please don't ask why,
So down down to the hashers who ran true trail so few,
and the true end only Gym Nasty truly knew

And then, in a checking, we smelled in plain sight.
We ran to the bar on this dark wintry night.
As we drank in our mugs, and was turning around,
Down Downs to the hares with nary a sound.

and then

He sprang to from our beers forgetting our whistle,
We drank our last beer like the down of a thistle.
But I heard Nasty Gym exclaim, while he drank out of sight,
"May the hash get a piece AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!"

On On
Big

2009-10-07T20:40:00.000-07:00

Chester Cluster Truck and Deep Throat both had that certain look tonight. That post coital pre hash buzz about them that said fasten your seat belts because it is going to be a fun ride. About 30 hashers gathered at the Low Brow on a perfect early fall evening. The Low Brow had their rules Just Whitney got nailed for not having ID and Hot Buns got scolded for drinking outside. He doesn't even drink. The hares were nervously off at 6:42 and the hash followed a mere 20 minutes later.

A Ken Doll is Born
At the first check a crazy semi new Rocket Surgeon hasher in a Hawaiian shirt sprinted to the first check and went out looking for true trail. As is customary he came back to the first check with a dumb look on his face and "God" asked him what did you see? His quick response was "I don't remember." Oh shit this night was off to a rip roaring start. He later got named Ken Doll for being a trophy with the brains of a blond dating a plastic doll. He got stupider later.

True trail then went down to the riverfront and surprisingly across the BroadWay bridge. Just Sopah (shes a crazy one) led the pack down toward interstate as Snotty Balls soon took over and lead us back over the Steel bridge. We were going no where in a hurry. A few turns and soon we were on the river drinking beer. Plenty of beer, plenty of friends on now what was a starlit evening. James Riddle and DownTown soon led us on a mad dash around the Pearl. But the guy in the Nascar Shirt with inside information soon led us up the elevators of a swank Pearl condo unit on 12th. Yes we ended on a rooftop in the Pearl on a crystal perfect night. Damn things were starting to look up as we looked over the city.

Some local was cooking chicken on the rooftop and we warned him there would be naked woman and drinking pretty soon that he should be forewarned. Damn if he didn't stay up there and cook that chicken for an hour. He could have choked it quicker. He witnessed a pretty cool thing.

The Hares had the audacity to cook a large vat of warm chicken lentil soup with crusty bread and freshly brewed keg of Beer. Damn this night was looking good.

The founders met briefly and decided some namings were in order and we elected (well bullied) fore mentioned soon to named Ken Doll into doing religion (For those who haven't run Kahuna and would like to in the near future, newbies often lead Religion at Kahuna) and it did not go well. Big Shiiter whispered into his ear what to say and when to say it and then he forgot what Big Shitter had just said. Somewhere along the lines the Hares drank and then we got into namings.

BrokeBack Bitch

Its crazy funny she never got a name. She is always flashing and slurring and pretty girls always get named quickly. But she never has done anything stupid. Well apparently tonight she did. As we traversed the Steel bridge somebody got stuck going over a guard rail and in a pure made for television moment mounted the stuck hasher and implored (well bitched at him) him to get over the guardrail as traffic backed up on the Steel bridge. So of course there's a time in every hashers life that one endures the rite of passage of doing something noteworthy and has a name for life. She did her down down on her knees and she savored the golden nectar lustfully and with gusto. She seemed to say F*** You all I can live with that name. Along time cumming for Brokeback Bitch .

Fucked Up Phonics

Also got named and for some reason I forgot her Just Name. And guess what I somewhat forget why she got named that. I feel like Ken Doll. But I remember running with her and her telling stories about how she would love to move to Memphis. That explains a lot.

And somewhere along the line Mudd Butt fell in love or maybe he fell down. It was that type of night.

Crazy Monday Night Hashers

Sometimes the paradox of the Monday night hash is things don't get out hand all that much. Tonight it did not really but it could have. There was a water tower on the rooftop where we ended. WTF it was doing there is beyond me. Several hashers scaled this water tower via treacherous beams that sat 13 stories above the Weird City. I included a somewhat murky photo of the event.

Chester and Deep Throat thanks for a five star S-H-I-T-T-Y trail and On In. You have set the bar pretty high much like those crazy hashers high atop the Water Tower. That's why we hash, expect the unexpected and be surprised when it doesn't happen.

2009-08-25T13:26:00.000-07:00

Kahuna Hash 8/24/09

Screams Her Own Name -Chum Guzzler
Beaverton, Oregon

Penned by Author to Be Wet Spots -Thank You

I knew it was going to be fucked up when Chum Guzzler began the evening telling of his $250 ticket for drinking in public. The encounter had set him back, made him a little cautious about venturing out into the wilds of Beaverton. He didn't want a second ticket. Would two drinking-in-public tickets equal one DUI? As we spoke, an unmarked Beaverton police car cruised by. We all began to get a little paranoid---did the cops read our website? Do they really have no real crimes to solve in the suburbs?But Chum and his perky sidekick, Screams Her Own Name, resisted the temptation to just bag it all--they grabbed their flour bags, created an immense box for all 25 of us, and started out. The pack milled about, drinking beer on the sly, telling tall tales of trails gone by. Terry, otherwise known as Bump and Grind, asked for a hash mentor as the only other hash she'd been on had resulted in her getting lost and never finding the end. BananaCondom strutted his cute self about reintroducing himself to the eager bimbos, and Nathan and Brady brought their mom and dad to the hash. The hounds departed at 7 p.m.Trail took us through football games, cheerleading camps, and many many jogging strollers. We carried on through the crowd, calling out "Are you?" and answering "On-on." The flour led to trails and more trails. The trails led to cul-de-sacs, the cul-de-sacs led to trails. Were we lost? Whatever is a cul-de-sac? Where did that name come from? The "BN" had been sighted at least a mile back on the sidewalk. Where was this beer? Had we missed the beer check? The bastardly hares were no where in sight and neither was the beer. Nothing was left to do but continue to run, and we were convinced that we were running in circles. Hadn't we run by this house before? Didn't this street corner look familiar? Fuck the hares!The hounds eventually stumbled across the BC arrow---around the back to Vagina AleCarte's house, where our thirst was assuaged by some cheap canned liquid, water, and some other decent bottled beer which disappeared too quickly. Stinky offered Nathan a beer, but Wet Spots intervened. Phil McCracken wondered what in the world one would do at a hash campout? Mud Butt answered plainly, "Get drunk, get naked, get in a pile." The pack worried that if the second half of the hash was as long and tedious as the first, we'd be out way after dark. No one,,,,I believe no one brought a flashlight or headlight. Half minds trailing shiggy through the years....But happily we discovered that the trail led us directly back to the on - in. Kahuna's favorite on-in treats greeted us--sandwiches, hummus, chips, and beer. Big Shitter, in his tyrannical manner, ordered Banana Condom, a visitor to lead religion. Who refuses Big Shitter? So, BananaCondom led the short religion, greeting Terry who was bumping and grinding, Romancing the Stone and CockJaw, transplants from Eugene. Pabst Smear rejoiced that he was once again hashing. We sang a song from the Beijing hash and ended religion quickly. We all got the hell out of there quickly to avoid citations or other such distasteful run-ins with authority figures, whether they be the police, Pabst Smear, or Big Shitter. Speaking of that, it was a truly shitty hash.
__._,_.___

2009-08-18T21:52:00.001-07:00

Barnacle Box Naught Eye Girl
Kahuna Run 176
"Absolutely Perfect Day to Hash"

This is usually our slot for our celebrated Smush Ball game with many a hasher sporting a Post Gold Rush Hangover but for some reason hashers were not all that lugubrious today. After last weeks death march many were expecting a debacle of epic proportions. . "I know that hash debacles make for more hash Trash Readings". Guess what it didn't happen

It was a hash with many of the faces, costumes and crazy stuff that make for a great hash run. Beer flowed freely and the hares tried to extol Hump Hash start times but the masses made them qoph (great scrabble word) their beers and be own their way. We were soon spread out by a boob check by a strip club when Screamer and Red Wings soon found true trail toward a run down apartment complex. The locals yelled and cheered us on. By this time the 3 vestal virgins (Brad, "Some Dude who later showed his dick"and Harry) had the knack of hashing soon led us down a needle infested alley. Lick My Squirrel and Man Milk paraded us over a fence and toward the well hidden beer check.

It was fantastic to hang and drink Pabst on a sultry Monday evening. TinkerBelle and his little dog, and the girl the with bruises (I love Balls) arrived on time. A Harbinger of things to come.

The Stitch and Bitch for the night consisted of Red Wings, God and a few others I don't remember. But they got an earful from a bitchy old lady in hair curlers with a tatoo that read "Back the Fu^k Off" as she screamed "GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE" from her beloved trailer trash balcony in the loudest blood curdling scream one could imagine. This drove Hare Krotchna to hijack a shopping cart transporting various hashers from check to check.

It was that type of night, everybody was just plain giddy; it seems the entire city was a bit tipsy. Mr Cream Jeans actually sat and read to kids on the curbside. Some starry eyed little girl had us sign her little notebook and parents were actually out on the streets cheering kind of wishing they could be out looking for beer with us. That's a really fun moment while hashing as we hash to escape a little from every day life and suddenly we are interspersed in some total strangers everyday life. Its a really fun moment in the hash.

And a strange thing happened as we were reunited with the golden nectar in a fantastic park on Holgate. We were treated to a great sunset (dazzling yellows and subtle purple streaks) overlooking the city. "James Riddle" (that's his Monday night hash name) was smart enough to roll the keg over to Religion.

Snotty Balls in his new position as RA for life expertly led religion, and one of the virgins showed his entire body and Brad told a fantastic Airline Crash Joke I had heard nine years earlier but its still funny on a night like tonight.

Pants off to the hares. Wacky innovative, keep the pack together trail with ample beer.

Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius -Very Shitty Hash.

Random Stuff

Winky and Katoy toy. A warm congratulations from the Kahuna Hash. Now raising little hashers.

The Slut Machine reached a milestone. Either she turned forty or she drank a forty. I am not sure.
Today (The Day of this Hash) "Racist" Usain Bolt broke the world record in the 100 meter dash. His average speed was like 23 miles per hour.
Today (Today at the Hash) hashingwe ran (kind of) past a traffic control sign on Gladstone that measures speed limits. Blast Rag recorded the same MPH (23) as the the fore mentioned world record holder.
A sneeze travels at 100 miles per hour and the male sperm exits the body at a tepid you guessed it 23 miles per hour.
Mudd Butt always delivers. A big thank you for getting the little things done.

On-On
Big

2009-08-12T00:05:00.000-07:00

Hyperbolic Mister Tinkerbell
Kahuna Run 175
"Perfect Day to Hash"

As expected 30 plus hashers stood on a hill at 7:10 waiting for our hare of the day, the ever capricious EverReady bunny otherwise know as Tinkerbell. Out of the clouds appeared Tinkerbell with his Damsel at his side sporting a hatchet protruding from her head and complaining about concussion like symptoms. Something tells me they were pre laying, this course of Epic proportions. Or maybe it was a typical day in Tinkerland.

Two complete virgins were amongst the 32 half minds that took off on a 3 hour tour, much like the unsuspecting Mr. Howell and his cache of cash, and this led to a pretty predictable loop through the Park. This time traveled us to an inane circle jerk that led us to a cascading cliff of death, which some short cutted, then we started heading up. Somewhere above the tree line DownTown and Flaming Fart led us back to another treacherous single track trail that ended in car traffic. Cars whizzed by us with horns a blaring as Coitus found true trail back into the woods once again. Any half mind would deduce that the days are getting shorter and the fact that we started on Tinkerbelle time as well as were about 14 miles into this run it was starting to get dark quickly. But we were only at the beer check. (Hard Ciders, Beers and a Hefe).

EDITORS NOTE: Could somebody please give us some insurance that our beers are actually cold.

We then proceeded to run another six miles through everybody's back yard in southwest and then climbed another cliff down to to another busy road. By now Hydrolicks had enough of the foreplay and Slut Machine was sick of going up and especially down and slowly what evolved is the Beloved Stitch and Bitch. The back of the pack gossip walkers on endorphins. You set a trail long enough and the stitch and bitch will emerge.

Then we got to the second beer check. At the first beer check an hour earlier it was getting dark but at the second beer check we watched the most amazing sunset. We all drank cold beers and Snotty Balls had a look at the Hatchet still buried in "Balls" head. (That is a strange sentence).

After the last (so we were hoping) beer check we ran another 50 or so miles but the last quarter mile was epic. We were treated to a log crossing above a raging stream in the pitch black night only only lit by The Perseid meteor shower. And upon crossing the stream Gabriel Park suddenly appeared from the ashes.

And there was beer at 10:00 on a Monday night in Tinkerbell time and space.

2009-06-23T23:29:00.000-07:00

Hash 168
Hare God
Weather (Perfect Day to Hash according to Flaming Fart)
Local -Top of Fire Lane One -Forest Park

Yes indeed it was a perfect night to hash and a great cast of characters to run it. We met in the middle of Forest Park down a dirt road in what appears to be the middle of nowhere and we should be eternally thankful to have that in the middle of the Rose City. The beauty of hashing in Portland on a summer night. It would be hard to fuc* up a run here. And tonight we had TwatSickle (Monday night name GOD) soberly setting trail for those who may not be of the same mind. Somehow she always pulls it off. Thats why we had 30 half minds gathered in the middle of nowhere just happy to be here on this particular night.

Trail headed straight toward shiggy. Reddi Nip and Skinny Bitch led the pack down a sucker false trail as little Oliva, Beck and Muddy Balls took the intellegent hight road toward an early beer check hidden away on near the nature trail.

2009-05-21T15:31:00.001-07:00

Kuhuna Number 163

Hares - Mudd Butt

Location -Milwaukee

Weather - Warm and Sunny then Windy and Cool

A perfect day to hash. I believe many of us have hashed from this particular boat ramp about a dozen times before. (Its kind of like sleeping with the same Bimbo for eons and one day suddenly she pulls out a dazzling new rabbit out of her hat). Something you had not seen before. Well this hash was like that. That's why we lace them up and knock them back.

Mudd Butt was off at the appointed time and a swarthy group of 27 soon followed. Honest to shit he was singing the Gilligan's island theme as he headed out. Naughty Girl led the masses toward a great trail in the woods. but we were soon headed toward the river. DownTown exuded a few F bombs wondering how the trail could be headed right into the River, but that it did.

Well not in but, over the river via flour speckled rocks. HareKratchna and Blast Rag were waxing poetic how they had never run on this oasis on the Willamette. Ass2Mouth was the finder of the beer check. We learned a few things at the beer check.

Fat Tire comes in Cans.
Milwaukee's Finest Ice beer is actually made in Milwaukee.
What Poison Ivy looks like.
That Flaming Fart can work a camera.

We lingered longer than usual as CrackUp was thirsty and Wet Spots told stories from her wedding day. Big Shitter found true trail leading off the Island and then we headed into some rich guys back yard that had big signs reading . PRIVATE PROPERTY STAY THE F**K OUT. Well Pabst Smears don't read good (sic) so we headed right into this guys back yard. This was obviously the wrong way. Monday Night GOD and Mail Man soon found true trailing through a swamp.

The On In was right back where we started and the weather had changed dramatically. The clouds were black and the wind picked up. The two Beijing hashers were the first to beer and as we sauntered in Mudd Butt was already grilling wanks and links. It had turned into a delicious evening. A Feast for everybody, a trully poopy crapulous trail with enough beer for everybody.

Religion was done by CrackUp. Down downs were done from Champaigne glasses and everybody was pretty damn chirpy. Except for Gym Nasty who had to stay home.

Speaking of Gym Nasty he is the Hare next week.....WARNING, HASH ALERT, WARNING, HASH ALERT, WARNING, HASH ALERT, WARNING, HASH ALERT, WARNING, HASH ALERT.

Summer Holidays are bizarre and quirky at Kahuna. 3 years ago some Krazy lady lambasted us in Lake Oswego, 2 years ago we had the Old Bat chase us up by the zoo and last year we had another crazy WOMBAT chase and heckle us up in Christy FOREST PARK.

Long weekends and Kahuna Hashes are just that way.

On-On

Big

2009-04-22T23:35:00.000-07:00

Kahuna Hash Number 159
Hare Cankle Sore (There is a picture of him over there)
Weather - Hawaiian

The final line of an Epic song by the Decemberists goes like this.

I figured I had paid my debt to society
By paying my overdue fines at the Multnomah County Library, at the library.

Apparently not. Fresh off a stellar haring for Oregon, Cankle Sore decided lay something this week.

A rather smallish (sic) crowd of mostly Monday regulars gathered at the Multnomah Library on Capital HW. It was worth the price of admission to hear flaming Fart say "Its a perfect day to Hash". Soon after Cankle Sore (for the rest of this write up he known as Sponge Bob Square Pants) down downed two 24 ounce cans of Hamms and set out to set his pre laid trail. The first part of the hash was a perfect Square Pants trail. 2 miles out, 2 mile North 2 miles in (well technically a rectangle) and still no sign of beer or crabby patties.

We roamed the woods, hills and trees with a sober buzz knowing Square pants was going to screw this up. The Stitch and Bitch was back (Toolbox, Blast Rag and God) in force bitching about something. Mystery Meat ran solo and still got lost in his own backyard so a hasher I forgot his name (something like Queer Guy Wearing Dresses) led us to the beer check exactly 10 miles in. He later got a hash crime for something like killing trillium's on trail. We drank Jamaican beer on 420 at the beer check and soon where reunited with beer.

In retrospect it was pretty decent excursion on well travelled territory. Very much like my prom date.

Snotty Balls did religion (he is like Steve Martin on Saturday Night Live), we ate Twinkies and drank some decent beer and most of us got a piece that night. Which we all do on Mondays.

That's what makes it special....

2009-01-27T15:54:00.000-08:00

Hares :HydroLicks Marvin Loves Kitty and God
Jackson Middle School –Weather Cold

Why One Should Drink

I recently decided to not drink during the week and Monday is during the week. So we get to the beer check and everybody is enjoying a beer and I just drank a big glass of pink grapefruit juice. It was tasty and delicious. So as I am ready to head home for the night, God gives me the carton of grapefruit juice for the ride home. I forgot about it and left the grapefruit juice in the back of the car.

The next day I am going to the W thing and decide to take said Grapefruit juice into work with me. I was thirsty so I sort of kind of chugged it while walking to my desk. 15 minutes later I came to the conclusion that i was not functioning well. I forgot there was vodka at the beer check and maybe somebody poured it in the grapefruit juice.

What Not To Wear

Last night was 28 degrees with a little wind and our lovely hares donned Larry Bird like shorts for a romp in the frigid tundra. Awol also wore shorts on this frigid evening. Conversely Blast Rag had 11 sweatshirts as Did Screams her own name. Trail meandered all over southwest into the woods. It was great running in the snow. Tool Box and Horses Ass did a great job of finding trail and our lovely hares did a fine job of laying.

The Beer Check

Beers, Vodka Red Bull, Grapefruit Juice and Ice. It's kind of nice to have a warm beer on a cold night. We all stood around and looked at the stars for a awhile. it was a pristine cold clear evening. Our beer breath hung in the air as Man Milk pointed out Orion. ATM found the Pleates and Lips finally figured out the big thing in the sky was Venus. Why would I point out the sky on a hash write up. Because it was stunningly pretty tonight.

The Three Newbies followed the Evening Star

Three nubile bimbo virgins (one in a crazy assed hat) ran the course solo after starting late. A noble effort on a night such as this. They made it to the end and drank warm beer down downs.

Chum Guzzler orated the religion with wit, godspeed and candor.

The Reviews

**** As a season hasher, God and Licks are devoted to keeping crime and mischief out of the this SouthWest southwest running trails that they created, even if she isn't allowed to wear a gun. But the hashers helpers.. (Never mind thats a Review for Mall Cop).

**** A rollicking Romp around snowy dewy trails under the star lit skyie that was a feast for the eyes and the pallette. Well marked trails that kept the hashers guessing all the way to the well stocked beer check in the woods. Good times.

Next Week Tool Box and a Guest Hare take on a Hashing Holiday favourite.. Ground Hogs Day.

2009-01-16T01:25:00.001-08:00

Hash Trash #146
Hares:Big Shitter and Ass to Mouth
There is a point when growing up when you feel like you are getting
fucked around and made to go this way and that just because you are a
kid and your parents are them. They tell you to go take out the trash
or clean your room. You really don't want to, but there is this
innate sense of guilt and family that prods you to. Call it an
instinct if you will. It's the same thing that makes the crack whore a
mindless drug addicted sex machine. It's also the same thing that
makes conservatives continue to think that the media and Hollywood are
to blame for everyone's troubles. I am sure that one abortion that
the chick from that movie got made the whole country go down the
fucking tube. For this same reason, I will fallow almost any trail to
the end for beer. You see, it made no sense for any of us who spent
the 30 minutes or so looking for Shitter's trail to continue looking
just for beer. We all knew where the bar was and could have been
there in 15 minutes, but we kept beating a dead horse and looking for
the fucking trail. You weren't there for the trail, that's fine, as
long as you have done one shitter trail, you know what you missed.

The trail started at the Brass Horse Saloon. The Horse as I will call
it was the last holdout in the no smoking crusade that had just swept
over Portland. I think the owner gets kickbacks from Marlboro for all
the smoke that was still in this bar. The walls were stained brown
and I had to be reminded that they were initially white. They
probably could have served me horse meat and I would have eaten it
because my taste buds were so fried.

We started out down Washington. It became apparent that we were
headed for Mt. Tabor and the magical reservoirs. After some
obligatory winding through the neighborhoods we started gaining
elevation. As usual, Twat and Hydro were leading the pack. O made
his damndest attempt to remind us that whistles and calls are not
really optional. I wonder if he ever goes home and slowly plans our
demise for not being vocal. I remember the topics of conversation
were "how is shitter going to fuck us this time" and "to bad this
wasn't last week because we would have been in the snow." In no time
at all we had arrived at the campus of a religious institution in
Portland. I don't remember the name, but I do remember hoisting a
beer for God.

After the BN, we quickly made towards Mt. Tabor. There was some
discussion along Stark as to where to start up the park, but
eventually we found trail up by the main road. I listened to a
particularly vigorous discussion on the merits of rubber vs. latex as
a costume idea for the upcoming rubber ball. I prefer painted latex
myself. Not near the genitals however as it tends to remove hair.
The last time I hashed on Mt. Tabor was the first time I met Papst
Smear and String Cheese. They were cleansing their bodies on a diet
consisting of water, syrup and cayenne pepper. I reminded them of
this and my first impressions were that they were "Portland people."
String Cheese thought it funny that I had this initial impression, but
after talking to her she understood how I would feel that way. Thank
god they are totally different people from my first impression. I
wonder what people thought of me and Man Milk?

After wandering around Mt. Tabor and contemplating what would happen
if we peed in the reservoir we came to a halt. At the bottom of the
hill the trail went behind a tree line. We followed the trail
diligently but continued to come up short and loose the trail.
Tinkerbell, Stinky and the rest of our party spent a good part of an
hour looking for the correct trail--- cursing Shitters name the whole
time. Eventually O came up with the idea of calling Shitter from his
phone. He looked up the number and dialed. I don't really know the
entire conversation but apparently his Big Shitter was a German woman
who thought that O wanted to shoot a Scheizen video with her. This
got us nowhere and we continued on.

Eventually we got tired of trying to find trail and figured that
frostbite would set in before we did. I had high hopes of seeing a
dead hobo from freezing, but was not rewarded. We wound our way back
to the Horse and lo and behold, Shitter and Ass to Mouth were there.
This made us feel slightly better as did the fact that we saw a direct
line of flour starting two blocks before the bar. Why the man holds
onto his precious flour is beyond me.

Roasting the hares became a big game at the circle as we tried to
outdo one another in general insults. Eventually we left happy and
slightly inebriated. It's amazing how beer will calm the mood of an
angry mob. Put a pint of suds in my hand and I will even forgive my
best friend for sleeping with my girlfriend in college. That pain
took awhile to get over especially because he did it with me in the
same room and told me to, "Be quiet bitch, I am trying to get my puss
on."
Snotty

2009-01-14T22:37:00.000-08:00

Kahuna Hash 145 Hares StinkFinger with Inspiration from Wet Spots. (USA TODAY Version)

The phone rings at the Stinfinger House -Stinky Picks Up phone

Stinky -Hello (mumbled barely heard)
Wet Spots - Hi Honey
Stinky - Hi Honey.
Wet Spots - Love of My Life I have to stay at the W thing late.
Stinky - Honey you know I don't know how to set a trail.
Wet Spots - I know
Stinky -"Fuck It - I'll Set the best damn trail for you dear. I'll make you proud"
Wet Spots - Dream Big my Dear StinkFinger. Spread your seed.

Well the start was at Lake Oswego Jr. H.S. on the same night as the community Cub Scout meeting. Parking was scarce, but the mood of 23 hashers was just plain jocular. StinkFinger was off at 6:50 and proclaimed he needed the entire fifteen minutes. We think that is what he said.

The StinkFinger sets trail as fast as an amoeba or possibly a slug. And this trail was as easy to follow as that of a slimy slug on dry winter day, Mystery Meat and Ass 2 Mouth led us to an arrow into the shiggy. Miles of head lamps could be seen snaking through trails seldom run in Portland. Mr. Cream Jeans and hound soon solved a difficult check on a night as dark as you wanted it to be, and led us to a great beer check on a perfectly chilly perfect night to hash. ( I miss Flaming Fart as he would have enjoyed this). We lingered for a long while as the beers tasted great tonight. Flaming Clitoris could have not agreed more as we all stood together and enjoyed a perfectly serene and surreal winter night.

Hash Math: StinkFinger told us later we almost caught him which once again questions the sanity of our beloved hare. It took us 16 minutes to run to the beer check and he had a 15 minute head start which led us to derive.

Blast Rag can run 44 miles per hour.
Stink Finger got really lost. I mean really lost.
Alone in the woods at night people hear things.
Hashing is about telling stories

So why let the truth get in the way of a good story. And thats the part of being the hare on a hash night. You create you own truths...And you get the bimbo in the end. So get out there and set trail.

From the hash dictionary as applies to this run

FNG- F*&$ing New Guy -There was one. His name was just something.
DFL- Dead F*&$ing Last - Tinkerbell is still out on course.
FRB- Front Running Bastards - Newly Tanned Tool Box
SCB - Short Cutting Bastards -Cream Jeans Chevrolet Short Cutting

Definitions

Hare- The person setting the trail and laying flour -StikFinger
ON-IN- Where the hash finishes -In a Cub Scout Parking Lot.
ON-AFTER Usually a pub where the hash meets after the running- In a Cub Scout Parking Lot.
Religion- At OKH3, a short ceremony after the hash to recognize FNGs, the Hare, and sing a song or two. (Radies Man led religion in just under five minuutes)
Hounds, Pack- 23 half minds tonight.
Hezbollah - very bad people
Shiggy- Anything that's not pavement or dirt trail. (There were 69 yards of this tonight)
Virgins- there was one tonight.

2008-12-31T00:34:00.000-08:00

Blast Rag and Tool Box -Milwaukee's Finest
Kahuna Run 142 -Cold and Rainy

Meadows lounge was the perfect gathering place for the Kahuna's and this fine bar reeked of Monday Night Perfection, the last bastion , smoking would be eliminated come January 1st....butt (sic) for tonight it was what it is . A smoky hole to gather in.

Blast Rag (some know her as String Cheese) and Miss Tool Box had their mojo tonight....A rather robust trail into the highlands of Milwaukee. ( I should mention now we had a father to be running with us tonight) . It was once again again a winterly, blustery might and only abot 20 die hards came out.

Winky led us out the door and she was hashing for two, but soon AWOL caught true trail as cars whizzed by us on big Johnson creek. It started raining harder as Mudd Butt led us to some rain and snow swollen swamp over to the beer check. It is so Oregon, actually postcard like, to be standing in a swamp on a cold and dreary night sipping the golden nectar of the gods.....Sometimes it is surreal and other times more than real.

Gym Nasty and Doc Snotty Balls led us to the majestic highlands of Milwaukee. Pabst informed us that we were actually in Portland overlooking sleepy Milwaukee. Cankle Sore appeared out of no where and led us to second beer check.....49 beers, 2 beer checks 30 hashers you do the math.

ManMilk and Calm Dude led the stumbling masses down from the precipice. Stinky mumbled something and before you knew it we in the warm comfort the perfect redneck bar known as Meadows Lounge .
Killer large hoagies were rolled out as well as copious amounts of beer...And this nice little RedNeck Bar also showed Batman movies and celebrated its last Smoky Monday.

And HydroLicks had participation in her eyes. It was that type of night...

Nice job by the hares...Nice longish run with surprising twist and turns....The On In was excellent and a crowd of 20 was perfect...

Congrats to Katoy Toy and Winky

also

2 years from now you will only have
the Memory of your favourite hash shirt
reeking a smoke when you put into the wash.
And you may lament those were the good old days.
Maybe Not.

Next weeks hash will be Third Anal F**ked Up Run in the Snow. Big and ATM will lead that one. And please take a second to read Yellow Dick Roads epic post him, all about the M thing, the C thing and its just a great story and a great cause.

2008-10-15T23:29:00.000-07:00

Run One Hundred and 32
Hares Horses Ass And Just Jason
ParkRose - The Wooden Chicken

A guy sits at the Wooden Chicken and suddenly his wife hits him with a frying pan in the

head...
- What was that for?!
- What’s with the name Laura Jonson, in this ticket?
- Oh, this is a horse’s name from the horse riding contests. I bet on him. The bimbo leaves peacefully... Next day, she hits him again, but this time even harder.
- What was that for?
- Your horse just called you!

Yes the Horses Ass was called to set trail tonight....and some more trail and even some more trail. And Gus the Bus hates long trails. But it was another perfect night to hash and we all gathered in some sultry industrial dearth as we followed trail and the scent of a Horses ASS to a beer check in an Industrial complex. Gus the Bus exhaled and thought to himself ...good we are halfway done. Gus the Bus couldn't have been farther from truth....

As we ran we heard Tool Box and Magjc Merkin Ride (He lives) yell to MILF (the hares MOM) how she had failed as a parent to teach the boy to lay something short. Pack son headed though some nice shiggy on the slough and over to another beer check.

The beauty of East County/Gresham was stunning. The aroma was pure Horses Ass. We all stumbled in the final few miles in a steady drizzle.

The trail was longer than most, but it was a well set trail and we were rewarded with some great hospitality from the host Bar....Pasta and MeatBalls for those who wanted it, the Phillies on the Tube and our signature short religion....

This is where Horses Ass's mom MILF got renamed GILF. Only at hash is it recognized that there are GrandMothers that some would Like to, Phuck but I digress.

Kudos JJ and Horses Ass...Well marked trail with a killer bar to settle into...

Run One Hundred and 31
Snotty Balls and Got Man Milk
Mall 205 area

About 30 half minded McCain fans gathered at the Boss Hoggs in East Portland. The trail was a classic clusterphuck with a beer check at the Snotty Estate...It was nice to see that HydroLicks had participation in her eyes,. The trail was so easy to follow that we barely paid attention... Blast Rag led the pack to a beer check near Mall 205. A rather rousing beer check was attended by all and we soon sauntered into the On-In.

As did the police, who reported and recorded a pack of 29 people chasing a man on a bicycle...(That was O) ....Of course this was on the heels of our previous days brush with the law. Dumb Ass policeman who took 3 hours to figure out we were handing out beer at the Portland "M" thing.

The life of a hasher. Skirting the law, chasing skirts and shortcutting where possible.

2008-09-10T14:24:00.001-07:00

Rear Entry's Excellent MisAdventure

It's been a bad day.
Please don't take a picture.
It's been a bad day.

35 people assembled at Sloan's bar and grill.

from Willy Week

Best place to truck into the pa(b)st Sloan's Tavern (36 N Russell St., 287-2262) has an actual Freightliner truck cab mounted on the outside. A family-owned establishment for more than 20 years, the bar was a natural addition to owner Bob Sloan's truck-repair shop next door, Sloan's Custom Body & Paint.

and for some reason the Beer was cold and good.

Rear Entry headed out on trail at the appointed time and an especially vibrant pack followed. Down town wasn't fooled by the sky scapers, Stinky stumbled, Lois Lame sweated, Flaming Fart sang, Hydrolicks hopped on one healthy leg, Screamer screamed, Just Bob bobbed and Blast Rag blasted out to the first difficult check in a string of many.

Meanwhile miles ahead our Hare Rear Entry walked into Fred Meyers to buy beer check beer and received the beer and payed for the beer using his entire wallet. (One wallet now missing) and proceeded to the beer check and put the 80 cans of Froth in some hidden spot, which promptly got stolen and consumed by I am assuming the Fred Meyer guy with his wallet.

The pack languished over and under I5. (Yes we truly ran along I5) and then we followed sticker bushes, brambles and nettle down a rocky dale. Just Sharon and Just Dawn convinced the the pack to head back to the comfort of Sloan's. As we ran back to Sloan's Rear entry was seen stumbling back in all red faced and foul mouthed but no worse for the wear.

He simply said, you guys are bunch of idiots. We agreed and ambled over to the on in.

Religion was fantastic and as usual I forgot the hash name of our visitor from Arizona but he was funny as sheiss and sang some great songs. Religion was led by Slut Machine (I think) and at this point this hash trash is becoming a work of fiction as I can not remember anything that happened.

But these things did in fact happen.

Flaming Fart dreamed that Coitus brought a giant dooby to the hash.

Pabst smear won the Eddie Munster look alike contest.

The fried chicken was a bit smarmy.

Tool box is still looking for the mystery ingredient in the rolls.

AWOL did a stellar job of decoding a back check on Williams.

Wild Man tirades -zero.

The beers at Sloan's were 1.50.

Rear Entry lost his wallet.

Rear Entries co hare got named.

and reportedly Rear Entry found his wallet.

2008-08-12T00:11:00.000-07:00

Kahuna 3rd ANAL (SIC) Game Hash
Hares Alley Kat, Wild Man, Pabst
Weather 82 Sunny

Once that foray into the dramatic was over we got into the late summer tradition known as the game hash . It was a perfect perfect night for mush ball. Despite a division that divides this country (pro mushballers vs anti mush ballers) we set a hash in spite of our selves...Pabst Smear set a death march that covered all of 12 blocks. The beer check consisted of 2 cordials that tasted like a post blow job french kiss. We still made it to the mush ball game....Albeit stumbling and humbled.

We did a quick religion and picked sides for mushball. The mushball game was pure ribaldry. Alley Kats team raced out to an 8-0 lead in Keystone cops like first inning with Just Gnat and Just Matt leading the way with gigantic first inning hits. It was discovered Arse Parade has hands of Stone.

Well Pabst Team mounted a giant comeback highlighted by one fantastic play.

With the bases loaded somebody lofted a flyball to Hydrolicks and as the ball flew toward her she was holding two dogs with two leashes and in her frenzy to catch the ball and dogs tangled both leashes around both ankles and soon she was on her back with arms akimbo as the smush ball rolled innocently into deep center field. She had participation in her eyes as smile meekly toward the cameras.

That incident alone was worth the price of admission. The game ended with The Alley Kats winning 12-11 as Big Shitter tripped over second base leaving the winning run score. And Everybody laughed their asses off leaving me a bit red faced but laughing from ear to ear.

Other high lights.....

Hash God can really hit a ball and there are no called strikes on Monday night hash gods.
Haolewood! had a hard time finding left field but every time a ball went his way he caught it.
Just Sharon just gave up mid game and the by the sixth inning and soon perfected the art of drinking from a can...
Gym Nasty - excellent play at third base nailing me in the back from across the field...
Man Milk - killer third place play while surrounded by beer cans...
Doc Snot-E-Balls -he actually tried bunting for a base hit after nine runs had scored...Winner of Mr. Congeniality....
Pabst -blew his load setting trail...
Hare Krotchna - told tails of finding a really small tick on fer husband....Tread silently while banishing a mean stick....
Dr. Ama -never really made it to the game...

I don't know about everybody else but that was fun as hell. I laughed for 2 hours straight. The drama was even funny. The picture above is basically what the field looked like after the game ended. A train wreck, with laughter all over the place. Another perfect summer night to hash.

Next week - Miss Krotchna hosts.....

2008-07-01T15:24:00.000-07:00

2nd Anal Fourth of July OLD BAT Run
Hares Tw*tSickle and Coitus
Location -Uppper McCLay 82 and Humid

DISCLAIMER: I Big Shitter self appointed figure head do nothing have had real life things to do so I am throwing this piece of shit write up trying to remember things that may or may not have happened, multiplied by beer and humidity and annoying old ladies screaming for the Phuck of it.

It was nearly a year ago when we had a full scale run in with a demented, crazy Old Bat up on Sylvan Hill on Red light Special's 2007 July 4th Debacle. Actually with a little research it was Memorial day. . Well Coitus and God set a pretty nifty run that snaked through the Portland Audubon Society and under a snarky, dark underpass into a cavern guarded by a demented screaming lady. We get one of these a year and this lady was a piece of work. We drank beer she yelled louder, we drank beer and she yelled louder. As far as I know the Old Batis still up on the hill barking dementia to the masses of asses that passes through her furry snatch of land.

All in all a pert little double titted trail that was mostly all on shiggy. Absolute pristine Virgin Jenna besmirched her name by joining us on her first hash.
Rectal Ranger and Doris Flaming Don't wanna Bore Us Clitoris joined us for the first time in years. And when two half minded hashers marry they end up with a quarter of a mind and like rocket surgeons they had the fore sight to bring their daughter to the hash...

Guess what she got named tonight.
She will march forward in life with the name.
Barely Legal.

Take that you screaming OLD BAT on the hill.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
2nd Anal This Week Nasty Buns Hash
Hares Hot Buns gym Nasty
Location -Beaver ton on the Hill

I takes most of us longer to have sex than the time we spent running on today's hash. As usual we ran around in Circles... Typical Gym Nasty trail with a few Ganja inspired back checks obviously contributed by Hot Buns. In an ironic twist Tinker Bell on a broken foot led the pack for much of the way. Slut Machine came (sic) out of hiding and had the lay of the land figured out pretty well. Cankle Snore was another person transformed from the land of the lost. As far as I know he did not have sex with Wildman on the trail. Chum Guzzler also took a vacation from his getting laid twice a day routine to run the hash solo and bitched about no trail marks.

Sniffy and Reddy Nip did the hash via baby jogger with the Claire and Hugh travelling Minstrel show. Wet Spots also had her grand son in Tow.

I have no recollection of this trail as every culd-d-sac in Beaverton looks like every other culd-d-sac in Beaverton so everywhere went we had been there before and soon we were going to be there again. Except for the beer check where we had Hamms.

Mystery Meat decided to drive his car from the start to the end which consisted of putting the car in drive and driving 280 feet. He did this with a beer can in his hand and course a police man came very close to witnessing the entire event.

To the delight of the masses we ended at a private swimming pool and the water was wetter than usual, the hot dogs exploded in your mouth and Reddi Nip and Got Man milk can clean an ear of corn really phucking fast.

Dr. Snotty Balls conducted Religion. And the Old Bat from 2 weeks ago is still yelling at Alley Cat

On -On

Big

Don't tell anybody but the Timbers scored two goals the other night....

Click here for Friendly Action

2008-05-13T00:29:00.000-07:00

Just Gnat Cant Connect
With Would Be Imbibers

Despite an obvious pandering
(witnessed by tons of PBR at the
start) Gnat had the visions of the
best laid trail since the Great
Depression.

As an walking billboard to the our local brew pubs 30 hashers stood
outside the Kennedy school and drank warm Pabst Blue Ribbon complete eschewing
the Kennedy schools "fine" brews. Some guy showed up at the start with an Ipod and headphones, and a race shirt and God and Cum Magnet let him have it.

About 30 hashers gathered under a sanguine sky at the Kennedy school.
Gnat was headed east right on time and the pack soon followed suit.

Cream jeans and pooch led the pack eastward with fairly easy checks solved by idiots such as
Stinky and Gus the Buses owner. A snarky tangent was run over a barbed wire fence toward
a beer check in a swamp. Coitus and HollyWood helped the hounds over the fence. Got Milf
and BOB (Bred on Beer) led a parade over the golf course and once again ducking cars on Lombard.

Free Shitter fresh out jail led us toward Concordia University. The trail went on a bit long
but we all stumbled in. And guess what no hare was to be found for another 30 minutes.
10 of us actually got into a 5 on 5 basketball game and finally the ice was broken as Alley Cat started chugging from large Beer Bottle as the hare was still AWOL.

Cream Jeans led a pert religion of sorts and the beer finally did arrive. Gnat pulled his ass (card) at religion by bringing his four year old daughter Lily. Sorry I have to interject That should be illegal. Lily is one of the cutest kids I have met. Take note. Hashers make beautiful babies. But as true to form we sang songs with bad words in them and I believe Lily escaped unscathed.

In a rather usual tangent somebody asked Gus the Bus's mom does she watch porn and with out blinking an eye she replied . Itty bitty Gang Bang (Porn Midget Sight) and will now move forward with that hash name for the rest of her life.

When one ventures forth to a hash one most expect the unexpected. Do you remember the first time in your life you had sex. It wasn't exactly straight forward and there were screw ups and diversions. Hashing is like that, especially your first time.

It is better to have hashed and lost it all than to have never hashed before.

Well done Virgin Gnat,

2008-04-16T23:44:00.000-07:00

Body in Forest Park is missing tow truck driver

Posted by Big Shitter, The Oregonian April 13, 2008 16:52PM

Hares -Reddi Nip - Newton Rd. Kahuna Hash 105 (Close estimation)

Categories: Breaking News, Portland

Dario Rolon-Centeno, 61, had been missing since March 27.

A body discovered in Forest Park by a hiker Saturday afternoon was identified today as that of a North Portland tow truck driver missing since March 27.

The body of Dario Rolon-Centeno, 61, was discovered just off of Northwest Germantown Road, Portland police spokesman Sgt. Brian Schmautz said. An autopsy Sunday ruled out homicidal violence, Schmautz said, but investigators suspect that Rolon-Centeno's body was moved to the park after his death.

Well Portland Police have finally found who dumped the body there after finding flour leading to and from the crime scene. They Have Reddi-Nip in custody and its a pretty open and shut case. She told police she hared the Kahuna hash and things got out of hand. She was live haring the hash and on approach to the first beer check she noticed somebody messing with the beer check beer. She claims to have put down a 24 pack of beer and some Mexican needing a heart transplant was chugging down the beer for the beer check. And Reddi Nip just lost it. She just walked over to the lagubrious beer stealer (whom was obviously under the influence of Viagra) and punched him in the Weiner. She thought he had died on the spot (of the beer check).

Reddi Nip told the Portland Police and Sam Adams that she heard Got Man Milk and Alley Cat approaching the beer check at a rapid fire pace and by all means she was not to be caught setting trail. The true Tasmanian Devil had come out of her. She said she picked up the dead Mexican and set trail with him on her back. She surmised that the dead man on her back may not have been dead as he whispered zombie like -"Bimbo take the Fire trail to the south." And that she did....lumbering the semi-dead Mexican to the second beer check.

Reddi Nip set the semi dead guy down and proceeded to set the beer check with another case of Micro brew...And wouldn't you know it the dead dude who used to be on her back drank another 24 cans of beer check beer. (Miller Lites) and we all know more than two cans of any Lite beer will kill anybody on the spot....and that it did. The Mexican was once again dead.

Mandigo panicked as she heard Wild Man approach right behind her... (The ironic thing is that police reports indicate Wild Man was not hashing tonight). Her cover blown she carried the Dead Mexican guy in the news up the Cannon trail to Germantown road. She meant to put the body in her recycling bin the next day (As -O- always says...leave it for the bums) but she got caught up in setting a mean false trail and simply forgot about he Dead Mexican...The jury is out...

The police left after that.

Once again if we would have called HazMat, Reddi Nip may have had a chance in court.

Something tells me when we thawed out we all would have a well hung jury declaring her guilty of setting a shitty trail.

Then there was Frigid Hole whom was biblically pissed at the lack of beer on the beer check, she could have killed the Dead guy, Doc Snotty Balls can not be ruled out either as he bitched about Nafta the entire way, and Farticus one should also have doubts about as he invited guests from Scotland and we all know the Scots abhor Mexicans.

Thanks for Keeping Kahuna Weird.

On-On

JuryDuty Soon

Big Shitter

2008-04-10T23:53:00.000-07:00

Run 104
Hare Crack Up
Space Room -Upper Hawthorn district.
Hounds -About 30
Weather - It stopped Raining (It always does on Mondays)

It was a night where one would think sane people would be glued in to watch the final four, but on a cold gloomy early spring day hashers showed up out of the wood work for a few hours of debauchery. The Space Room is a bar from another planet with only one beer (Budweiser), silver haired old ladies as bar maidens and the aroma of Camels and Marlboro to linger for hours. But we all showed up there anyway and imbibed for awhile as a furtive Crack Up slipped out of the smoky Cave for a bewildering lay.

The trail basically headed up hasher alley on 60th with Alley Cat and Gus the Bus (The Biggest Dog an any Planet) leading us past the Timberline on Tabor. The rain of the lower elevations soon turned into a blinding Tabor effect snowy squall (maybe it was hail) as Never in Bed summited the base camp right below the beer check.

We were very low on supplies and feared dying right there on Mt. Tabor. Many suggested cutting what was left of Pabst Smears mullet and using it for warmth..... The beer has to be near. Robo panted his way up 68th street and interpreted the BN and BC as beer being near.
Not today, Wildman and Nice Snatch ran right by the beer. The altitude and pure rigor of the climb had sapped them of the half brain cell they had possessed. It was a false summit. I can not remember what happened after this but I believe a large dog with a brandy collar led us to the beer check and set us on our way....

The weather thankfully cracked for a minute and we descended the summit GOO Swallow and Hot Tub Pop Deck appeared as a vision on tricycles leading us to a bonfire in from NIB and Robos house.

As Kansas was nipping Memphis in the bud, we sang songs, ate semi greasy chicken and conducted religion in the Hawthorn district where it was nice to be semi normal.

Alley Cat led religion with vigor with a quirky twist.

And then Robos neighbor showed up late looking for some action as he showed us his easy Access Jeans. You have to love the Hawthorn district and Monday nights of chilling.

A very shitty run. I must give a little poke in the ribs to the hare for showing up in jeans....Just take them off and set the trail live.....Or just take them off and preset if you would like but jeans and a preset is a tease of sorts. Still a night of ribald fun.

And of course TinkerBell showed up at 9:30. I want to live in his time zone...

Its was a shitty night to be a Kahuna Hasher.

On-On
Big

2008-03-20T23:44:00.000-07:00

Hash Number 102 -Mary Lou and Slut Machine Paint the The Town Green

Its a great feeling to get to Dual Air Bags Bar and all the traditional Portland Crazies are queuing up to pay a cover charge and we as hashers just announce we are hashers and we get in with out paying a cover charge. And how cool was it to have thousands of hashers (there were a ton of us). Well if you are stickler for the truth which I am not, there were 4 tons of hashers present assuming 16 hashers weigh a ton. So I digress....

May Lou and the Slut left at around five after six, and nobody cared or noticed as the beers flowed lugubriously and at 7:00 we headed out on trail. Trail proceed over to PGE park (reminding us the Timbers Opener is in 4 weeks)....and back into the Pearl. Somehow we gathered locals along the way like a Tumbleweed in Texas gathers shopping bags...

At the beer check , we had a half dozen runners in regular street clothing that followed the chaos out of control.... They were the ones wearing Blue Jeans. The beer check (which was in front of my sons school) was a thing of beauty with some crazy drink that had Guinness (not Snatch's dog) , Baileys and whiskey. We stayed at the beer check for a long time and then continued running through the Market as well as a few concerts on the Water Front....I heard people walking out of Kell's saying that we are bunch of crazy Mutha Phuckas...to each his own.

The weather tonight was cold as I can remember, but still the drunken masses headed up to the smoky temple on Yamhill known as the -"That Smoky Bar" where the locals bitched about us stinking up the place but of course we were not deterred.

The we learned a SLUT can spell and hashers can read when the flour spelled GET IN by the Max station. So we sang songs on the Max train, smelled of beer but in general we kind of fit in on this night....In Portland, St Patties day is bigger than Christmas..

Dual Air Bags was a trooper, as he reserved a large area for us so we could drink some more. And guess what we did that...Many more hashers made it to the ON IN......Usually when I write up a hash trash I usually try to mention everybody who made the run....Tonight it was more about the masses. A large group of people having fun in a town that was already on fire tonight...

Shitty Shitty Hash

I you did not have fun tonight........get therapy....

A dyslexic horse walks into a bar
and the bar tender says are you dyslexic and are you death
the horse replies -On On

2007-12-12T23:38:00.000-08:00

It is what it is.

Hares -Slut Machine and Would Kill Hunting

Some nights are a little more perfect than others. I have not hashed in awhile and I had lost touch a bit with the rush to to get home from the W thing throw a bunch of clothes in the bag and rush off to the hash with the floppy eared Beagle in my driver side seat. The look in her eyes only said -Its a perfect night to hash.....

The hash bar on Alberta was filled with hashers a plenty enjoying inexpensive Micros as 7 dogs awaited out side for the hares to be off. In the recurring words of Flaming Fart it really was a perfect night to hash. It was a sparkling night in the Alberta district as Christmas lights twinkled and the sky did the same. It was a simple trail -so simple Blast Rag and Pabst Smear stayed in bar and drank some more. Murphy the Dog led the way following smatterings and blobs left by her owner. The slut was laying tonight....what a Machine. One of the easiest lays in along time.

The beer check had a drink that consisted of Vodka, Yoo Hoo and Malt. Village Idiot filled him self with holiday cheer as the seven dogs a baying hashed on Blitzen and Donner like. Wild Man was in a jocular mood liking the semi hard checks and Stinky Stumbled and mumbled.....In Haiku.

Poop Deck check hanging
While Nice Snatch searches down
Back Alley False Trails

The night turns colder
As Hash God snarls in shorts
A Brew Pub is Near

The Pub at the end was just that....Nice frosty beers, short religion and dogs running amok.
A simple perfect evening.

K.I.S.S
Keep it Simple Slut....

Honor

2007-11-14T23:00:00.000-08:00

If you were red neck enough to cum.

EAT ME TOO -CANKEL SORE Hashing in the Couv....

Week Night Hashing in VanTucky. You know you are a red neck hasher

I really can not do a write up from Van Tucky without breaking into a cheap red neck joke...

Ba Ba Black Sheep (the photo above is from Eat Me Twos -Red Neck Hot Tub)

On the three hour ride to the hash Jeremy pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed "O" where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day.

The bimbo and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Jeremy recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said O. "Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

Blast Rag, Mystery Meat, and Killer led the masses toward the smell of oil refineries. The ground smelled of old condoms, the air was that of sulfer and expensive petroleum. Its was not a pretty night. Pabst Smear found a beer check filled with yellow Miller cans and absolutely nothing happened at the beer check. We took in the smells of the night and Tinkerbell led us into the a train yard that just reeked of train -smelt. A flaming fart might set this place on fire. A perfect day to hash.

We searched for true trail as locomotives buckled in anger and somehow led by Tool Box we emerged from the the industrial madness only to be thrust into Van Tucky. The next check was by a sofa on a porch, the next by a car in the yard, the next by a working wash machine in the side yard, the next by a moonshine rig in a park and the final beer check by Tonya Hardings house on 25th street.

But the trail was perfect on this night. Suddenly we were all in Eat Me's back yard with a nice raging fire and honor to Eat Me.

Read about a murder that happened hours later at one of the houses we passed...Really.

A five star honor (*****) to the hasher with the chutzpah to set such a trail inan area we would never see on Monday and she et 14 hashers smelling of petroleum into her house. Lots of beer ......and jocularity.

J-Squared led his first religion with the perfect Van-Tucky accent.

Well it was a surreal night. The hares took two cars off the cinder blocks in the yard and drove us back to our cars.. On the rims..And we all came back to the only house in the Couv without a sofa on the porch, and stood around the beer on the porch scrutinized by the neighbor cooking possum next door...

On On

BIG

2007-10-29T23:53:00.000-07:00

When on a trip, if all goes perfectly what stories do we really have to tell.

Eleven hashers met in a secluded park by a picnic bench. A complete football team. Merkin and Trunk Monkey at wide out, Slut the tight end, Coitus another tight end, Clam Dude at quarterback, Stinky and Spots in the backfield, the front line of Shitter, TinkerBell, Mister Meaner (we'll explain that later), Gym Nasty and Village Idiom.

Above is a picture or the course taken by the The local police. (I will get to that one later). God set a trail for the ages from Marshall Park. This was one of the first city hashes where I saw hashers abandoning short cuts just to get back on the intended shiggy featured trail. Short cutting was not an option tonight as the pack was a captive audience. We were 11 roaming, turned around hashers 5 minutes into the run. Not lost because of a fucked up trail, rather at a loss of bearings as true trail went in directions not expected and shiggy was every where and the safe way to run trail was just to run it. Very honer able trail. Actually one of the best city hashes I have been on period. VERY SHITTY.

After 74 minutes of hashing the enlightened eleven converged on a picnic bench filled with foot long subs, chocolate pop corn and a keg of beer. Shiggy satiated, but parched non the less, many were craving a cold beer. Suddenly an industrial bright light lit the sky above. In an impulsive response, (Enigma Meat) yells at the top of his lungs.......@UCK THE POLICE. And wouldn't you know it the "person" connected to the industrial light was yes a policeman checking out 11 hashers drinking beer in the park. We were asked to leave, which we did and then we suddenly realized (Mister Meaner) aka Mystery Meat was being grilled by the security guards ....

This is real

Security Guard - Mister Meaner....why did you yell @UCK THE POLICE
Mister-Meaner (sheepishly)- I thought you were somebody else.
Security Guard - where you wearing a headlamp on trail
Mister-Meaner (phuck yeah.......Only Slut Machine didn't have head gear)
Security Guard -okay punk hit me.
Mister-Meaner he asks the police man (you know why Jesus cant be a police man)
Security Guard -No tell me Mister meaner
Mister-Meaner (because..he is hung like this) Mystery Meat spreads his arms as very wide.

Another case of a hash brilliant brush with the law. The enlightened eleven decided to conduct religion in a bar a mile from the On-In. Mister Meaner led religion as jocularity abounded.

Tonight may have been the perfect trifecta of hashing. A cool crisp fall evening, a trail that was craft work and an absurd brush with the law.

On -On
Big

2007-10-23T22:17:00.000-07:00

Hash run 9 squared. Hares Alley Cat and Clam Dude -Weather perfect Hounds 26.

Miss Alley Cat had that certain look in her eyes.....wide eyed and almost scared for her Virgin lay. Luckily she brought reinforcements as she was dressed in two pairs of shorts and under wear that read "Let me Lay the Trail" just in case she got caught. And with co hare Dr. Ama who knows interstate off ramps better than most this was a set up for the cluster Phuck of the century.

But in the words of Sponge Bobs buddy Patrick and Flaming Fart, today was the perfect day to hash. A Sparkling star lit and moon lit sky greeted the Monday night crew. We expected a circle jerk at the beginning and we got a huge dose of it with a false trail up a stairs on Broadway. Hot Buns finally found true trail heading back to where we started and then we ran along trails on I5 (who knew they existed) and the Tulsa Trans Plants (Doc Snotty Balls and Got Man Milk) found true trail while begging for a beer check. Some banal checks and a few hair razing interstate crossings killed absolutely nobody, led us down to a beer check by the river, albeit a toxic glowing mass of land that may keep all participants glowing for awhile...

Kahuna's Odd Beer Checks www.kobc.com continued its weekly demise into oddness as we drank PBR's while standing on a toxic waste site while a beautiful almost full moon glistened the river and Wet Spots deduced this was was virgin territory. Honor.

The trail back went through a nasty hole in the fence where COITUS kindly lifted every canine and bitch through. And where exactly was O the man on the bike who is supposed to help checking-no where to be found, A true metaphorical yellow bike but we sauntered in the warm moon light ending in a field next to Suki's.

Where we found our Virgin Hare. Little Miss Alley Cat swaddled in her blanket exhausted from her laying experience. A cooler full of PBR's greeted the masses and the Monday crew settled into Down Downs with vigor. RA for the night was Tool Box I wish I could remember the virgins name as because nobody made him cum. He did it on his own. Food was a virtual thanksgiving dinner and then a few of us settled back into Suki's for some rather salty banter.

All in All a great trail on over laid real estate.

Skinny Bitch and Lion Queen somehow got over confident and there fore lost.
Mystery Meat and Blast Rag narrowly missed getting pancaked on the perilous Naito parkway crossing
Good Boulder climbing down by the River.

My guess this trail was 80 percent Alley Cat with Clam Dude just taking orders. What ever the recipe it worked. Shitty evening.

Next week we have God setting trail up in SouthWest. The weather gods have been nice to the Kahunas. Keep the mojo going.

2007-10-16T12:24:00.000-07:00

Granny Panties RA for Life

I'll start at the end. Granny Panties did the best religion of all time. Down Downs for the Hare.

A ranting from somebody (an excerpt)

GP is an icon in the hash who always has nothing to say about a trail, a Hare or a member of Mis-Management. Despite begging to do religion in the past he appears to be too such a showboat to put himself on the front-line so he just waxes poetic about everyone else. What kind of name is Granny Panties and what exactly are granny Panties.

I digress

It was a dark and stormy night on the Plains of the Rose City and Blast Rag led the masses toward Rose City golf course. With a snarl on her face raced ahead boldly where no bimbo fear to tread. A nasty Ivy laden diversion was conquered by constantly lost Josh and O and his Calvery of bike led us to the beer check where we were greeted by.

Bartles and James -Rasberry and Margarita shooters for the masses. Flaming Fart was on his fourth as the pedestrian slow pokes made their way to the beer check. Hobb's beer was consumed by a few. A crew of malty cummingness half enjoyed by "dot.cum". She let it slide down her chin and we were headed to the Blowing Alley on 82nd.

Hydro-Licks fell into the Booby trap on 82nd and we soon headed satiated toward the golf course again. Cankle Sore got caught on a fence and Tinker Bell carried Canines straddling the fence as we headed over toward Tabor..

Turkey Eagle Split -well the Eagle split went up the Banfield. Pabst Smear was tempted, luckily the B & J had warn off by then. Tool Box, Nasty and God led the back of the packers into the out door on in.

Hydro Licks literally tore into the ding dongs and we had some foofy food and the kegs was broken so we resorted to dipping a pathetic didintegrating paper cup deep into the bowels of the beer. There was much rejoicing.

Notes from the Hares
Lois Lame- Alls I did was set the false trail and get bossed around by the slut. Its nice to see Lois Lame at the Monday Night Hash.
Slut Machine - having set her 11th run in the past nice weeks she goes through trails like a slut goes through condoms. Nice job...

Other Observations

Enigma Meat- a true enigma to meet. Only ever seen at beer checks....
Skinny Bitch - he has to be the sanest hasher I have ever seen. But thats a pretty low bar. He could be lost on trail attacked by bears with honey on his balls and still there is nothing to worry about.
Calm Dude - whats with all the drama. He came he hashed and we kept him on a leash.
StinkFinger - clandestine check hanging tonight.

Tonight was an eighties theme and no body picked up on that.

The 1980s refers to the years from 1980 to 1989. Particularly in the United Kingdom and USA, this decade is often referred to as "the Greed decade", reflecting the economic and social climate of the period. During this time the word "yuppie" entered the lexicon in the United States and UK, referring to the well-publicized rise of a new middle class. College graduates in their late 20s, early 30s were entering the workplace in prestigious office professions, holding more purchasing power with which they purchased trendy, luxurious goods. The decade witnessed a religious revival and the rise of conservatism, which began with a backlash against disco music late in 1979.

And - Hydrolicks was in Diapers, Marvin the dog wasn't and Magic Merkin Ride was playing with blocks setting little hash trails with his disco Gi-Joes and Mt. St Helens lost its Virginity.

Next week we look forward to trail set by Alley Cat. Should be a joy ride..

On-On
Big

2007-10-10T00:45:00.000-07:00

BIG Shit and Twinklebell

At the Wallace Park, asking…So, I’m like who’s the mystery hare for BIG Caca. I’m like, I don’t like this – something smells. Like, Wallace Park is just a playground.

And Pabst Smear was like, cool, playing soccer and feeling sorry all by himself and I’m like that bitch Alley Cat just blew through a stop sign and I’m like, this is Portland, bitch.

And she’s like bitchy with the slutty look, bitch…are you a cop or something. I’m like, no bitch we have laws to follow and this is Portland. Like, people could get kill. I’m like, why do I have to keep reminding and repeating words for people to understand.

And we worried like Gym Nasty got all the good beer and stuff and we like paid five bucks worrying will we ever get the beer and worrying more still like it’s all about the beer. And Fat Tramp who never ever run the Kahuna hash like makes a quick entrance and grab a can of cheap Pabst beer and I’m like Pabst is beer…like cheap somewhat.

So, Reddi Nip like she’s probably weaned her infant from breast feeding like feeling the need to run the hash again, like I don’t know, know what I mean.

So, we all follow trail like around the school building and Flash Dance like he hardly hash at all leads the pack up to yonder hill while Twatsicle and Hydrolicks make sure everybody paid some money for beer. I’m like, that’s hot.

Like, Cream Jean screaming ‘On-on’ lazy looping around the blocks while SLUT Machine tried to grab his weenie while Mystery Schmestry Meat like picks a fight with a midget trying to run down his big fat ass with a Volkswagon.

Later on, after the beer check it was very dark in the wood – like all woods when it’s dark inside so I’m like I have a head lamp. This is not rocket surgery.

And Cream Jean, who is now a Big Kahuna sort of kinda guy leads the pack but all by himself and somewhere got a little lost but eventually a short downhill run to the on in by the upper, maybe lower McCleary Park, I don’t know…like, this is Portland. Like why do they make things so hard to remember so, I’m like fuck that.

Beer was a little slow a-coming so to keep myself occupied, like, making sale on used furniture seems productive but buyers were nowhere any.

And Goodwill Cunting like doing a fucking job as the RA, like every week there is a different RA. Since Gym Nasty has no funds for food except for chips we sauntered to Cracker Bucket for fried calamari and sammies.

2007-10-02T00:54:00.000-07:00

Run 78 I think--Hares Audry Rugburn and Magic Merkin Ride
Location - Mount Tabor Park

It was a night that was suddenly darker than we have remembered as autumn had blind sided us, suddenly quietly the roar of the city was just as quiet as the the gentle rain that that fell on our shoulders. Ms. Rugburn's head lamp was a beacon bastion fastened to her head as we could only see the light of the head lamp and barely noticed the pristine pretty snarl on her face as she ventured out on her virgin lay. Her co hare for the day was MMR whom had an expression on his face that looked more like a deer in the headlights which foreshadowed an epic cluster Phuck up on the Volcano known as Tabor.

The hares were off in the twilight and the 22 hounds were left on the summit to wait for an unbearable ten minutes with the tawdry premise of removing the pants of the fore mentioned co hares. At seven oclock sharp the band of half minds headed toward a series of ribald checks as beagles, bimbos and wankers solved somewhat conundrum like checks on the north side of Tabor only to be confronted by a wild wicked foray down a slippery slope on the hill where by Tool Box and Monday night God slid down the hill , soiling panties from the outside as StinkFinger clung to every nubile tree flinging them back in the face of wild eyed check hanging bastard. The night took on an autumnal feel as we headed to a benign beer check over on 78th street and waiting there lurking in a plastic bag was a wild Malt Lick her (sic) that we read as Camel Toe Lager....

Camel Toe Lager sat at the beer check lurking smelling like whiskey and naive semi virgin Bi-Polar opened the explosive beer check bag finding the magical beer of gods. Camel Toe Lager. Newbies from Tulsa, Oklahoma (camel Toe Lager made me forget their names but i recall them as Doc Snotty Balls and Got Man Milk) took a sip of the magical brew at the beer check and passed it around. On the opposite end of the spectrum Pabst Smear and Blast Rag were drinking a fasting mix of (Lemons, Honey and Sperm) adding to the utter free love do what you feel like doing on Monday Night kind of thing..

Skinny Bitch stumbled sheepishly away from the beer check in the wrong direction and we all somehow stumbled up Mt. Volcano to end where we started more by accident as trail was amply marked, but some how we were under the spell of Camel Toe Lager....

Religion was just that, pure fire and brimstone as in our tradition Dr. Snotty Balls led religion. and another fine job turned in by a wild eyed new comer to the the quirky Monday Night Hash.

Thats hashing on Mondays, low keyed, with a sense of all hell could break out if we would let it. Miss Rug Burns and Mr. Magic Rides set a classical shitty trail, that few would have the kahunas to set. A trail that was an invitation to be caught, never ever getting too far away from the golden nectar . Very shitty.

And everybody got laid later...

On -On
Big Shitter

2007-09-25T23:25:00.000-07:00

77
The Frigid Pole
Skyline and Cornell

Portland , Oregon (AP) -- Negotiators for the United Poll Dancers Union (UPDU) and the Kahuna Hash ended a marathon shiggy breaking session late Monday, more than two hours after their Beer Buzz was set to expire.

My Once in a Blew Moon Hasher Spot Light

Alley Cat - That being said, Alley Kat was kind of the the hasher in the know tonight showed up tonight brandishing a quart of fine Ale in her left hand (purchased at Albertson's) and what could be more alluring than that. Not much....and like the hasher I always try to spotlight we can not remember her actually running trail, but that's what makes a great hasher..simply that. She is always there with a beer in her hand, a song in her heart but I don't think I have ever seen her on trail. Beer Checks ye, the trail no.

The hash trail went up a road... for a while as old fossils LIPS. O, BUNNY KILLER and BUNT LIPS surmised we have hashed here often so what could possibly go ashtray.. They meant astray. We were greeted by local residents whom were behooved by our left turn into

The Trail went down into the Shiggy .. their neighborhood shiggy they never knew existed. Of course Tinker Belle joined us an hour late and Just Jeremy led us to the beer check in the woods. Where of course we consumed various canned beers and Old English 64. Goo swallow proclaimed its time to hash again.

The trail then went no where as post beer check we scurried around in the dark looking for Red Tape and it was a night darker than most, quieter than most and for early fall i started to get a bit chilly. 34 headlights could be seen but nary a red tape. Mystery Meat and Clam Dude finally found tape and this is the honest to goodness truth there was a hole in the ground that looked like somebody was trying to dig a grave. Hot Buns saw it to. Mark my words, the next un-solved gruesome murder in Portland, the body will show up there.

Beer Check on A Road -we needed another beer check at this point like we needed a hole in a donut and we proceeded down an ankle ripping patch of shiggy into

A Flat Road -where ironically a loud snap was heard from here to Greshem, the sound of Chum Guzzler's ankle snapping in 2 as he writhed around in pain, we all kind of ignored him as beer was withing 150 yards. They are dropping like flies at Kahuna..

---NOTE -Replacement hare needed on October 8th die to this catastrophic event--------

All in all a pretty clever run despite my loathing of the pre-set run. To Frigid Holes credit her fast haring experience she was trained by a complete IDIOT and she recovered and Pole Dancer could care less what we think of his trail because he always gets the girl in the end.

Religion was done by Mr Cream Jeans. I I have no idea who did down downs.. None. It was that type of night.

Gleefully Submitted

Big S.

2007-09-04T14:50:00.000-07:00

75 -Holly Goes Hashing

Dear Mom and Dad

I know it has been in awhile since I last wrote but, last night I thought I would head out of the suburbs and try something a little bit different. My friends Chum Guzzler and Frigid Hole convinced me that hashing would be the ticket for me. (Hopefully you have not read the IKEA stories). Well I get to the start and there is this cute guy named Granny Panties and a girl (they call girls Bimbos) named Hairy Krotchna are drinking Pabst Blue Ribbons beers – and 40 people showed up on Labor day for this thing known as hashing. Personally I would have rather been at the Victoria Secrets labor day half off sale, but here I was standing talking to some drunk person(s) named Rectal Rooter and Lips and they smelled of beer. I had a bad feeling in my loins. Well the organizers of this debauchery were the hares Stink Finger and Wet Spots ran off into the woods with a bunch of flour and and Stink Finger was mumbling swear words and when they left we stood around some more and drank more Pabst Blue ribbon. By this time I was into my third blue ribbon and I starting feeling loose and good and then I realized Mr Cream Jeans was going to run this trail with his two year old son. How hard could this really be.

Eventually we all started running down hill on a nice pavement road and you would not have guessed what happened next we followed trail down a bank with Poison Ivy and Mud (all the while some low lifes Shitty Kitty, Lion Queen, Big Shitter and God ) cheated like Pumas in heat
while I slid down a hill with the likes of O and Mystery Meat and had mud up my private parts and then we ran up another hill and we were greeted with more F*****n Beer.

I had a Bridgeport IPA at the beer check, but I was starting to get stupid drunk and a tad bit horny (don't know where that came from ) as the trail started going up. Slut Machine and Gym Nasty took a trail the wrong way (what fun is in that) and I could hear people yelling On-On from every where and some Visitor from South Carolina (lacking necessary Tools) and his wife were getting along fine. The end of theis debacle was at a dive bar on the top of the world named the SkyLine Tavern.

All my new friends (what a bunch of Dicks) stood around a drank a bunch of beers as we watched the most beautiful sky and ate delicious burgers and corn (I hate this Hashing thinG) and then these people (what a bunch of Dicks) started having this Religious thing (I told you this place is crazy) led by Mystery Meat. He was quite a funny minister or RA as when people (the fat Dude) interupted he snarled, "Excuse Me this is my Circle" and when they called up the Virgins , guess what Mom and Dad, I was one of the them.

I did a down down with 2 wankers and I beat the living crap out of them two downing my down down in 2.4 seconds leaving those boys in the dust....

These kind people asked me if I was coming back I said....

"Not very Likely".

Love Holly

2007-08-28T22:31:00.000-07:00

Birds, Bees and Ikea
Hash 74 -Hare Magic Merkin Ride
Location -Marine Drive
Weather -Blonde with Blue Eyes

31 dimwits gathered on a dangerous pullout on Marina Drive and as the pre-ordained start time there was no hare in sight. Apparently MMR, went into IKEA to tell the IKEAn's we were going to be throwing flower (thats how he pronounced it) in the parking lot and please don't be douche bags and call the police on us....The staff at IKEA just responded with "We don't get paid enough to give a poop...What ever and finally a "Cool"'' Merkin arrived at 6:52 brandishing an Alan wrench, got out of his shopping cart and headed into this industrial waste land. Alley Kat led the pack over to a check on Marine drive and all traffic stopped as we took our time finding trail. Pole Dancer found true trail through sticker bushes as we headed toward the slough....

Merkin found more rasberry bushes and Just Jeremy (almost named tonight) and Just Megan bushwacked us toward raging Airport Drive toward another patch of nasty nettle and crack needles and a god damn wasp nest that nibbled on a hasher or two....16 ounce Miller Pounders were served the beer check which suddenly silenced Frigid Holes constant Bitching and then Pooperoni led is down a nifty trail on the slough and on the horizon sat IKEA....

Sightings and Oddities

Tinker Bell was on Time

Pabst Smear had a bit of rad rage at the start.

Little Shit had a thorn removed from her foot.

Name Whore visited us from the homeland (Hawaii)
Bees suck.

And nothing really happened, as Name Whore and Granny Panties frolicked by bored underpaid IKEA employees oblivious to the IKEA/hashing national firestorm. We then hashed on the on ramps of 205 and over a barbed wire Fence and a bunch of nasty shiggy as Just Shit and Tool box lagged far behind and looking rathing hagard yet zesty end on under a full moon on a perfect evening.

Religion was led by Knicker Dicker

Hares did a down down as did the Virgins

and those stung by bees...

just Jeremy almost got named

Hoagies and Mayonaise were consumed.

The Moon rose quietly slowly

as a gentle breeze

cooled the evening.

and sadly ruefully

we ran out of beer.

2007-08-22T00:22:00.000-07:00

Will It Go Round In Circles
Hash Number 72 Hare Gym Nasty Locale Cedar Mills

This Weeks Trivia Question (Conundrum) Bud Light Bad Beer Trivia Question of the day is ....Please name a word which also contains these little words (Drum -Co - Nun) to describe a perplexing puzzle....Please email to click here.

On this weeks hash run many misfits gathered early at the start....Has her Formally Known as Just Shit (HFKJS) drank courts of Micro Brew, Slut Machine (SM) had 10 ounce pounders and for some reason Gym Nasty started out on trail very early we were ready to enter the (BF Skinnerish) trail set by local Beavertown hasher known as Gym Nasty..
Above is the overhead of the trail.....Cum Magnet could not make the hash tonight but took these amazing photos from her private jet... We smelled beer at the beginning and like a mouse in a maze , we were stimulated to respond as pole Dancer led us up some 70 mile back check.....(he called on back somewhere near Seaside) and the rest of the pack did a gentle run around a track and through some furry patch and surprisingly up toward Sylvan. Calm Dude led pack past a church and Screams her own name soon guided us to a great beer check by some secluded Tennis Courts. Budweiser in a Bag with weird ice cubes, fueled us back into Gym Nasty's nasty maze ...

Granny panties ran like a girl, Pabst Smear mumbled, Chum Guzzler found the back check, Rectal Rooter not sure if he even ran trail, stinkfinger was lucky to find true trail, Slut ran left, Shoots caught a flyer, Screams her Own Name screamed somebody else's name -t was all little mice in an amazing maze that amazed me that we never got 1000 yards from the start.

So basically the trail went no where , as we ran in suburban checkers and squares for about an hour, with occasional recreation conversations with the locals. Shoots & Sheiiser commended a front yard hanging lady of age for drinking warm beer from a can and as humidity built to a cresendo the walking stitch and bitch (Slut, Hydro and Frigid Hole) managed to finish before most

Gym Nasty and SHeisslich Katzen were wonderful hosts with great burgers, great corn and Beans. Religion was conducted by Wet Spots and some wanfer from Rainier got names Raiiiiiiiiiiiiinier Queeeeeeeeeeeeeer just because . Actually I have no idea where the name came from but RQ is certainly a hasher.

On On
Big Shitter

---------------------------------
Another Quiz

Hasher True or False (Just click on the Links)

a. Peeping Dick

b. Moobs Man

c. The Jizz Mopper

d. Still Needs Tinkering

e. Nun of the Above

2007-08-16T10:16:00.000-07:00

Wild Eyed View of 71- By Clam Dude

This is no mistake that hares BIG SHITTER and CUM MAGNET included are getting lazier and ass-heavy lazier pound per found eat more tater chips than the legendary Sha-Mu the lazy whale.

Starting late on a Khau…KaHUna Monday run is not only bad but irresponsible, evil, devious, distasteful, outrageous, perverse and bad…very smelly dead-fish bad. How bad? Very angry grandma bad armed with a loaded shotgun chasing a saqssku…sahswe..shash…Bigfoot across the cornfield stealing her corns, get the picture?

Anyway, the Corbett Fish House was once a fish house in the early 1900s. A fish house is a house where fishes checked in for the night to rest for their long spawning trip upsteam…no, morons, it’s a restraw…rasta…it’s an eating place where they serve food with fish and fish chips that actually taste like fish without the after-taste of sawdust. It also served lager which means the beer taste nothing like your local piss is shipped in from the legendary European countries like Katmandu.

Anyway, the pack consists mostly of bimbos from out of town like Just Marlana, whose name I later learned when spell backward sounds like a sheep ‘taking it’ hard from Mystery ‘Pounding Away’ Meat. Later, on second thought, and many more thoughts, it’ so inflammably mind-blowing erotic…no, not Mystery Meat naked…ewwww.

Just Marlana preferred to cum by herself which is totally okay with me.

Anyway, Abba from DC, could be the tall Swedish hottie chick rock band member that once rock the world brought along her friend whose name I eventually erase from my soft disk for no reasons at all, came for their first Monday run…meet at the Corbett Fish House. Yes, it’s a resta…rawstra…an eating place in Johns Landing.

Anyway, the hares make a box…now who in fuckin’ hell cares about standing inside a box under a 90°F ambient room temperature. A box is a three dimensional object that when folded like an origami allows…should I go on?

Anyway, about 30 plus pussies and wankers taking a slow start toward the hill, apparently hashers are drawn toward a hill like salmons in heat going…should I go on and on?

I am purty sure this ain’t the hares work hacking down all the blackberries forming a path for where only morons want to go running. And a short while uphill Nice Snatch and Pabst found the beer check just below the I-5 freeway.

Restless is always at the beer check so Lion Queen and another chick whose name sounds like a traumatized Acropolis Pole Dancer going back down and found trail along the another well-hacked blackberry path all the way downhill as Snatch and Chum Guzzler again found more trail from there toward the riverfront to another beer check.

Anyway, Pabst Schmeer said this is boring. I know, I crossed the river like 10 times a day and that in dog math is a lot. If you see a guy paddle the river with a surfboard, life’s a bitch, bitch.

So, we sort of hang out there with the famous Dead Whore bimbo, Rosy Palm, drinking warm local piss by the river at the on-in interrupted by several mooning as the big boat full of traumatized grandmas and grandpas frozen by the deck. Mooning is an extraordinary technique whereby bending over to expose a pair wholesome ass waiting to do it is achieved with the removing first of the clothing covering the vagina as the partner initiate to penetrate…should I go in?

Anyway, Shoot Scores Zero RA for the day interrupted only by another artistic mooning technique by Cum Magnet. Is it hot or is it just me?

So, we left for the Fish House with Rosy Palm while Frigid Hole moaned like a whore all the way in.
BOX?? Who cares for box?

WM

2007-08-07T15:21:00.000-07:00

Hash 70 Weather 70 and Cloudy

Hare -Just Scheiss Vancouver, Washington

You Simply Had To Be There

Just Scheiss (JS) looked like the proverbial beer in the head lights at the start as he was worried nobody would show, the trail would be too long, the beer would be stolen you know the the crazy stuff we all think about as hare.

JS in a wig had us look south as he ran north at the start. He gave us a song to sing and we did. With gusto I must add.

We learned at the start that this was JS's virgin lay and like most virgin lays he did it using his right hand. And then then the fun began. We started 15 minutes late because JS had the hash in the land of Tanya Harding...A small but perfect collection of hashers (18) gathered on this night, hashers with Chutzpah.....It is actually the first hash I have been where Wild Man was not present....

We were expecting the worst and ...it wasn't even close to that as trail headed through baseball fields on Clarke College.....Red Light Special found trail in places we should not have found it...JS was on top of his game so far. Trail headed over toward the beer check North of Campus where by......................For most of the night we threw a golf ball on trail and the ball was last seen after the second beer check. The atnoshere was circus like tonight...

Kahuna's Bizarre Beer Check Custom hit again....

Beer Check Number 1

Pabst Smear found beer and girly drinks in the bushes... O imbibed on Bartles and James Wine Coolers as Guest Houston Obscene Singing Troubadour (Ghost) blew through the beer check of Legends. We were all sitting on a step when a Jesus looking like drunk homeless nomad approached the beer check claiming his name was Tom Sawyer...We gave him a beer and told us stories that we thought would not end well and everytime he referred to the layees of the hash as ladies, we all corrected him with ...BIMBO's..

This guy was rather bizarre with wild eyes and wild hair and he was weirder than the dead guy 7 weeks ago and the Batilac on july 4th and the Coyote from last week. He told stories about woman he wanted to meet and if they would meet him they would kill him.....

German Shiesse. (I dont remember her name at the start of the hash..) You will recognize her as the German Girl whom looks good in tights... Led the pack (we were fairly together up til then) over soccer fields and minor shiggy toward Beer Check Number 2.

Beer Check Number 2

2 youngs rockers were sitting on the bench smoking Marlboros and we offered them a beer and the reply was.

"No thanks we have 40s at home". More Bartles and James and the trail was pretty straight forward all the way back to the Fort....

OnIn

So much for short religions.....Guest Houston Obscene Singing Troubadour led religion and it was a very funny religion. We sang more songs than we know and everybody did downs once or twice. German Scheisse got named that because......I have no idea....

Egnimatic Observations

Pabst Smear was seen doing the R-thing before the hash
Red Light Special had beer in his camel back tonight.
Blast Rag made great vegan Tater Salad
Flaming Fart won the hash
Traffic was light out to the Couv.
No Tanya Harding sightings that I know of
MLR brought a bunch of Pabst to the start- well done
Gym Nasty tells me we bank rupted the hash tonight....

On On

Grosser Scheisser

'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.'
Abraham Lincoln, (attributed)16th president of US (1809 - 1865)

2007-08-01T01:01:00.000-07:00

SIXTY NINTH HASH -HARES PABST & ENIGMA MEAT -44 BLOCK WALK FROM MULTNOMAH VILLAGE - Paid Attendence- 44.

SIXTY NINE is the most over rated number on the planet....

With a square root of ate something

and be honest a sex position nobody ever uses....ever...

Pabst Smear and Enigma meat probably beg to differ, but I digress as they set trail tonight....44 light-loafere'd, bed wetters Castaways and cutouts met in the Ship in sleepy Multnumah village to knock back dollar beers and hash. The Ship is a classic dive bar with a melting pot of smokers and video lottery players whom cheered us leaving the bar in search of trail..... Grannie Panties and Flaming Clitoris led the thirsty pack to the first nasty check and Blast Rag took out her chalk and marked true trail-which was a false much to Tinker Bells dismay.....but we got our collective shit together as the pack gathered at a Beer Check in the Park....Cold Cans of Pabst for everybody except Magic Markin ride who stayed sober for 38 minutes.....The trail then headed down down Multnumah and Barnicle Box in her blue (not a verb) mini running dress led us into a forested swamp trail and of course at the Dick Check Rectal Rooter stood at full attention as the hash GOD (god) stood agape....The second beer check was Rum and Cokes. A few of us short cutted the swamp section only to be greeted by a Cyote. Really.. HydroLicks had her inner thighs attcked by local foliage and Cum Magnet just sucked it all in....We took a trail on 45th much to Trunk Monkeys liking.....We were face first in deep shiggy with a sensation below, and trying to satisfy both urges (much like that 69 thing) we were soon headed to a Mysterious Meeting at Mystery Meat's humble abode.

Weekly Beer Check Weirdness

Apparently another Batistic Batalac made an appearance and proceeded to tell the hashers and coyotes to get the hell out of the neighborhood and I am told Killer Joe Gym and Elbow Pooperoni once again fought with the locals. Its all heresay on this one.

The first beer check was also somewhat curious with 40 swarthy hashers heading across a normal park only to dis appear suddenly into the woods. Not curious for us but a startling observation for a 4 year old on a tri-cycle.

Blue Moon Sightings

In some parts of the world tonight was a blue moon and we had some hashers we dont see often on Monday Night. (Once in A Blue Moon)

Rectal Ranger - (has taken up the pogo stick)
Pooperoni - (getting laid regularly in real life)
Trunk Monkey - just back from a third place finish at the Nathans hot dog eating contest.
Flaming C. - (it was nice to have her out hashing as she is always reliable for a well blaced F-bomb)
Graven Image - recenlty hired as Mike Vic's lawyer.
Frigid Hole - has been driving the NASCAR circuit.

AfterMath This was a joint run with OH3 so we started late, had a large roaring fire with assorted animals on the grill and tons of beer. Mr Smear did his usual snarky religion (which I think is the finest in the world) and then then we tried stumbled down the hill to find out cars.

Thats a story for another day.

Poopy Trail

========================================================

General Statistics about Kissing, IQ and Intercourse

Students with IQs above 100 and below 70 were significantly less likely to have had intercourse than those in between.•

Each additional point of IQ increased the odds of virginity by 2.7% for males and 1.7% for females.•

It’s not just home runs they’re talking about, either: a higher IQ decreased the likelihood of romantic contact in any sense, from holding hands to kissing, across the board.• For males with IQs between 70-90 only 50.2% were virgin, whereas those with IQs above 110 were 70.3% virgins

Go Get laid

Big Shitter

2007-07-18T12:35:00.001-07:00

Hash Sixty Seven Shoots But Doesn't Poop -Ladds Additionish

A languid group gathered at TenneSee Reds. The wait staff there just rocked and even waited on the Dogs. I like that kind of stuff. Our last minute hares did well tonight. A snaking meandering trail that featured two rickety bridge crossings over the rail road tracks on 12th.

Observations

Fu*k Me I am Gay -what a great hash name to have in Portland. Every time somebody called his name on trail some local gay person came (noun/verb) out of the wood work looking for the on in. He was a fun visitor from the Big Apple.

Just Adam/Just Marie- have been hashing with us for two weeks and seem better at hashing (finding checks) than us veterans.

Ricketty Bridges -the trail went over 2 of these. As the pack went over the bridges the Bridges swayed in the wind and yours truly almost lost his lunch.

StinkFinger Loses It- early in the hash he called beer check and it was actually a Boob check. Stinky now confuses Titties and Beer.

Flaming Fart/ Hot Buns -you two are having way too much fun. These two fill up their mugs at the beer checks and still pass half the pack.

Beer Check Musings - The bimbos imbibed on Vodka and the hares had good old Rolling Rock at the Beer Check.

Little Rolling Rock Ramble

What does the "33" mean on the bottles of Rolling Rock?
There several versions:
The first is that it is the number of words on the label which a
Rolling Rock employee wrote down before sending it to the
artist/printer and it stuck. This is the most popular one.
The second is that "33" is the year prohibition was lifted.
A third, more colorful one, is that the brewery was started with
money won at the track betting on #33 "Old Latrobe", hence the 33 and
horse.

Shoots house served as the Apres house. Large Hoagies were served- and lots and lots of beer.

Thanks to Shoots & Poop Deck for filling in at the last minute. It was a fun trail on a sultry night and everybody even seemed to have fun....

According to Newbies Megan and Jeremy : This was a completely shitty way to spend a monday night with 30 bad smelling people, getting bit by bugs, drinking bad beer.

Honour

Big Shitter

2007-07-10T23:57:00.000-07:00

<<============Slut Scouting Trail

<<<==Slut Making Blast Rag Punch

Hash 66 -Hares El Machino Slut- Right on Ida Right on Central

We where standing in the Sluts backyard and some dude was heard on his cell phone saying I am at some Alternative Portland Event. That was Adam whom hashed with us.....Go figure. I think Gym Nasty and I listened to that cell phone conversation....
The slut was off on some NOPO cluster check rampage at 6:51 and we followed her at 7:03 like we on Monday night hashes usually do......We headed across the Fred Meyer to a predictable cluster fuck cheque. and Calm Dude headed us down a Cluster Fuck false trail in the Industrial railroad ClusterDump as dumb shit O looked for trail on Willamette.. On a bike....Dumb shit couldn't find trail.....so led by Just Chelan and Silent Butt (sic) Deadly led us back on trail via anther ClusterCheck that nobody who could dangle a participle could decipher-and then we ended up on the front porch for a beer cheque cluster fuck drinking of Ice Cold But (sic) Weisers and Lion Queen roared....lets hash.
27 hashers where then seen rambling around the railroad tracks as Alternative Adam, Just Shit and Lucy the Dog led a short cut over toward Pier Park Pool -only to be horn swaggled toward a check by the school where we drank

Blast Rag Punch (here is the recipe)

Vodka
Sugar
Squeeze remnants from recent Blast Rags
Ice.

That stuff was sweet. Lolly Pop Sweet, Well this sweetness fueled the Doppelbanger. She jacked it off a bit and shifted into five minute mile mode and loudly claimed I want some Religion

and guess what she led religion.

Down Downs to Lots of People including Katoy who turned 77 yesterday. A seconf beer run was made as I was leaving at 948.

Shitty Shitty hash....I had such low expectations for the night as all I wanted to do was run through UP and have a three way with some of the lady soccer players. Tonights trail was over tricky at first but once fueled by Blast Rag Punch. It was fantstic.

On a side note.....

In the final days of his imploding candidacy, John McCain has taken a page out of Richard Nixon's play book, finding increasingly bizarre explanations for his political failures. Strangest of all: He reportedly feels his handlers forced him to wear "gay sweaters."
According to one insider, the knit-picking was the crescendo of a tirade by the Arizona senator, in which he blistered aides about the minutiae of the campaign. While many septuagenarians live in a perpetual state of sweater weather, McCain reportedly declared his frustration with being told to don the perceived homosexual outerwear in order to look younger and more approachable.

2007-07-03T15:40:00.000-07:00

Hash 65 -Hares Winky - Hounds 26 - Mary Young Park. West Linn Oregon

Ever have one of those little moments where you look across the room on a perfect sun lit morning and your significant others gives you a sly little knowing smile and you retreat to the kitchen floor for 8 minutes of the most perfect (____)(____) you fill in the blanks.

Short, sweet, slighly salty and almost perfect.

That was tonight's hash. The hare had wonder margaritas at the start and a a very handsome crowd assembled to imbibe lightly. I had forgot that everybody was at the weekend pitch a tent and fuck festival so the the mood was serene. Early trail snaked around the east side of the park....Loose Caboose somehow got stuck in the shiggy as the trail headed back toward us toward a punch check in the woods. Just Shit waxed poetically about something and Split Beaver punched him for shits and giggles. Punches were thrown and they were consumed..

Sloppy Beaver (Lots of Beavers on trail tonight) with little Shitter led the pack down toward the river...Silent But Deadly found true trail up a mud slide Blast Rag led a pack over a fence where the trail did not go...The trail headed back into the park and Scooby snatch led a post coital march to the finish and God declared this is the end...Short sweet and with out a hookup in sight...

Religion was led by Blast Rag (That is her Monday Night Name). Sloppy Beaver made it back the hash after many years...She has been in the Far east gathering food for Winky's feast of the night. Great sushi was served along with a wonderful Asian Salad which I snagged the recipe for the dressing. We played frisbee, chased Dogs and drank Beer....Outstandingly Shitty Frolic....

Notes The Moving City (Hump) AGM (This is just my observations I remember being at run number 9 where we had 9 people drinking beer under a tree...

Note to new RA- Please re-name Rectal Rooter DNA. (Deeply Needing Attention).
Honor to Ass Parade- Boiling and Cooking the Hash Shit..Thats funny stuff.
New Grand Mattress Tool Box- honor great as Beer Bitch.
Great Ideas with the shirts and the entire AGM hash... That was just a lot of fun. The Moving City ( Monday night name for the Hump Hash) had plenty of food and
I really can not tell the difference between Barnicle Box And Fuzzy Fish Taco and they were both there proving they are different people..
Milwaukee -six rebel flags on trail. cars in every yard a dentist could get rich in this town and 11 out of ten households blow up shit in their yard on Independence day.

Next weeks Kahuna Hash is Slut Machine in North Portland...See you there.

2007-06-19T10:22:00.000-07:00

Hash 64- Hares haRE Krotchna and Killer

Location -SellWood

Dream Number Sixty Nine

Has anybody ever had a dream where you wake up in the back yard of your ex-wife drinking a can of Busch and your dog ends up in her swimming pool. Sounds like a bad country record. Let me play it back wards for you.

How to Woo a Rental Cop

On The Beach We get to the end of the run and we have 8 dogs and a potful of the best hungarian sausages in the world. A true recipe for a disaster. Mystery Meat and OOO lit a real nice fire and ScoobieSnatch goes to get her first beer and discovers that we were missing a part to the keg. And then the night took another u- turn as Krotchna came flying over the hill yelling hide the Keg. To make a short story long, the Forest Rangers told us we could not have a fire on the beach and a long negotiation followed. Sniffilus convinced the powers to be that we would be civil and it was a beautiful night on the River. Mary Kay Lay Turn On- led religion on this night. Somebody got named Edipous Complex, and did a wonderful riverside down down. A boatload of tourists sailed by on the SternWheeler enjoying this serene evening. They got to see 33 bare butts.

Then Stinkfinger and Wet spots made it in.

The Hash It Self- We had 4 virgins and for some reason they led the way. A tricky fence crossing that snagged Tool Box and Crack Up. The trail headed up out of the Nature Refuge to same hashers house with a swimming pool. That was the easy part. True trail then headed over to East Moreland and most of us knew we were headed to to the over pass but still in are half mindedness we traversed a creek, some moon rocks a speeding locomotive and made it to the beer check.

Beer Cheque- The stitch and bich were non existent today but Cum Magnet had the perfect opportunity to short cut but she blew that. Calm Dude handed out muses and we lost Hot Tub Christy (I always gorget her hash name)

More Churches -The gathering of the Crazy Old Bats Club gathered at a Presbeterian church over in Sellwood and of course the trail went by the old bats club. (Of course the old bat in the woods from a few weeks ago was there as was the dead guy on trail and the bastard who set the phantom check last week. They all rushed out of their churches and yelled at the Happy Hashers ...THIS IS PRIVATE PROPERTY. Some avoided conflict (mostly the mutts on trail) and others took the devine intervention short cut. Dot-Cum, Flaming Fart and Hot Buns while yelling screw you and on on.

We all gathered in hippy clothes in the parking lot under the Sellwood Bridge on another perfect day to hash. Do you realize Oregon State is 4 and 0 when they play on in the CWS on Monday. It was 8 -1 by the time the game started.

2007-06-12T10:43:00.000-07:00

CumOnIWannaLayEwe and Slut Machine
Hash Number 63 -Cedar Mills Oregon

One million people came out strong for this hash as it was a perfect night in the SparkleJet Stream just to get out and hash. For such a Slut, the machine brings out the virgin in all of us.

As I was leaving the hash somebody clobbered me in the head with an elbow ...So this write up is in random form. Please feel free to add your own

A Cheesy Poem

Just before the sunset
Waits a muddy trail
Just before the back check
Gym Nasty and the other Hare
Their beer is golden
The colour of the sand
Beer goggles sparkle in the night
Flour drivels in their hand

Lots of Churches.

Beaverton has them.
Scooby Snatch led the pack to a church on the hill and Miss Krotchna found trail over the snowline of Cedar mills and over 26 where TinkerBell and Hot buns helped every hotty over a fence and over to a beer check in the fields by the interstate. Two Virgins (Table Jugs and Slut Machine's friend) tumbled in last but two cans of Miller High Life greeted them at the beer check .

Miller High Life

from the urban dictionary. miller highlife
Miller highlife is the champange of beer..bitches.
one taste of miller highlife, and you'll know excatly what I'm talking about

Just my opinion -the can probably makes a decent beer bong...

Dinasaur Skulls found on trail (Another in Kahuna's Bizarre Beer Checks)

The trail then headed through a swamp. HydroLicks and Coitus ran up to a mark in the swamp that read Beer Near. (BN). Merkin and Killer translated their broken English to mean beer within a quarter mile. Did not happen as we went trough a few Paleozoic periods and came across Dinosaur bones on trail. An autopsy revealed the Dinosaur died from drinking too much Miller High Life. The beer check was finally found and consumed..

Sheep found on Trail

(A Quick Haiku)

sheep three miles in

standing sheepishly

winking at pabst Smear

Dead Guy From Last Weeks Lays a Mean Back Check

An hour into the run we headed down Walker rd and for some reason there was an

An Obvious over layed trail hinting at a false.
An arrow pointing to a house with a wood pile
Pabst Smear and Lion Queen standing on the road saying "What The FCKU.
Something tells me the Dead Guy From last week set this one as Slut and CumOnEyeWannaLayEwe just batted their doughy eyes.

The Final Feast

The hares fed us to the gills, Lots of really good food and bimbos in bikinis doing back dives into the pool and a fire and what more could one ask for. Swamp Bitch from Pittsburg led religion and
we all learned a few gnu songs.

Next Weeks Hash

OKH3 Monday, June 18thStart: Sellwood Riverfront Park near Sellwood bridge and Oaks Park on the East side of the riverHares: Cop Killer and Hare KrotchnaTime: 6:30 Hares off 6:45Bring: A CUP, dry bag, virgins, jokes, snacks and $5 --- OUTDOOR ON - INOn On

2007-06-05T14:15:00.000-07:00

Hash Sixty Two -Rose Garden Soccer Fields -Hare -Mary Lou Rectum and His Sister Horney Bucket

A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 1000 foot level of the Washington park , one Dead man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions as Tinker Bell and Mary Kay LayTurnOn led us down a straight and narrow checkless first mile of the hash. Chum Guzzzler looked up toward the Wild Wood trail and DownTown knew that we were headed ..down town.

The Kahuna Hash brings you another Bizarre Beer Check

This beer check sponsored by Oregon Dead Guy Ale

We get to the beer check by the entrance to Washington Park and there on the steps was a Dead Guy (not the beer) sprawled on the fouth step above the second flight. A living breathing Dead Guy, that may seem a bit oxi moronic but thats how it was. Enigma Meat went over and tried to revive the guy as did Lion Queen to no avail. Pabst Smear said something about seeing the Dead Guy before, but he was still there lying on the side walk when we headed out from the beer check to find clues as to who had killed the Dead Guy.

We would find the culprit. We headed down toward PGE Park and noticed that HydroLicks, God Lion Queen and Merkin had fled the scene. They were walking or possibly building an alias for killing the dead guy.

But our first suspect...well it seems like a pretty open and shut case is Doppelbanger, whom we found sprinting past the Dead guy and she wasn't even at the hash. She quickly led us away from PGE park toward the Goose where Lick My Squirrel stood perched in her Snazzy green and yellow socks cleaning DNA from under her fingernails, but soon a whistle blew and we headed toward suicide bridge. Tool Box and Flaming Fart led us up epidemal hill through all kinds of crazy shit literally- and there stood standing on the road side was Miss Blast Rag -who ironically was trying to rid her self of this name to hide other various sundry crimes and albeit suspicious she grabbed a beer from........click here for a clue to how he died.

We all hashed up the trails from the zoo with heroin needles in our butt....finding no clues at all and guess what there was beer at the end.

Our religious advisor for the Night Down Town had the adorning pack all standing at attention....Drinking beers..singing as the dead guy in the trail just kept
laying...
on a Snazzy day to hash......
Placebo dead...

Next week Slut Machine hosts the 50th State's biggest Holiday (unless Alaska is the 50th state) with a Kahuna larger than life Gala event...
Mary Lou Rectum will give Blow pops to those who need them.
as for the dead guy on Trail....

We have not a clue. It was a false....Dead Guy, and he is still there.

On-On
Bs

2007-05-28T22:32:00.000-07:00

The Old Bat Hash
Hares -Red Light Special
Weather - 69 and Perfect
Loci - Big Reds on Sylvan Hill

About 29.75 hashers met on a hill on Memorial Day and mood was jocular. One thing I love about hashing is that we go into places I would never go in my Life Time. Big Freiken Red's is a rednecks wet dream and a hasher's nirvana, 2 buck Pabst and 4 dollar wussie drinks...and we had a few of these before the run and the hare was off at 6;45 and at seven somebody screamed does anybody want to hash and we reluctantly stood up and started shuffling our feet westward.
View Bat Cave

Dumb ass big shitter led us up hill- translated by hydro licks saying it went down heard by Mary Lou as a back check translated by calm dude as boob check and finally executed by Hot Buns to a check where finally we got our collective shit together...as trail lead down a shiggy bank near the first beer check....

The myriad of pony tailed girls led us to the BC -Cum Magnet and Soul sister Cums Liberally where by our standards we imbided in relative peace, only to broken by some crazy old batalac

crazy old lady yelling at us to get the hell off her property.. as she is the owner of the that ditch.

She argued with Many

The Stitch and Bitch Get Bitched at in the Ditch

Old Bat - Get The Hell off my property... show some respect.

Hot Buns - You should be so lucky to have Hydro Licks on your property

Old Bat - Shut up and get out of here now

Killer - You need to mow the lawn

Old Bat - You need to repect old Ladies

Mary Lou - We will be gone in a few minutes

Old Bat - Get the F*** off my proprty

Slut Machine - Blow Me Old Lady

Old Bat -Get the F*** off my proprty

Calm Duded as calm and said nothing the entire time

OOOO- Its a scavenger hunt lady

Old Bat - Scavenger Hunt what are you looking for Get the F*** off my proprty

God - I can help here

Old Bat - God! Get the F*** off my proprty

Mary Lou rectum explains the whole thing to her....and starts snogging the old Bat

Old Bat - Get out of Here Now...Get the F*** off my proprty

well the trail headed up hill above the bat cave and there were beer cans (some half full heading up ) the hill and then back down the hill and the Old Bat could be heard cackling in the distance.

Fun night...3 mile trail with perfect weather....Religion was done by Nip Stick...and we headed over to big Reds to throw Peanuts, drink beer and prolong the weekend a little longer.

This weeks word of the week,

Lugubrious.

On On

2007-05-22T00:14:00.000-07:00

Hash Number Sexty -Perfect Day To Hash- Enigma Meat & Dirty Brown Eye- Confide-A-Way-Park

A sanguine group
gathered under perfect
North West late May
sky wondering
if Dirty Brown Eye
could write poetry
in flour.

and I must digress....

There was an Hasher with a twitch,
Who could hash and find a funky niche!
Two Beers and the Zen,
and sheep just stayed in the Pen,
Now Funkier at thirty three skinny Bitch!'

sorry its an old habit
I have writing a Funkier at 33 poems
to cool people whom turn 33. (Really)

On this week everybody was in a good mood. -O- led the masses (with a sneaky box break) toward a trail near a school with lots of pubescent teens practicing ..something as Just Annie led us through a swamp in the woods where Hare Croutchna gathering mud on the back of her thighs despite Flaming Farts dancing and skipping because every Monday is a perfect night to hash.

Head first left the beer check head first as Pole Dancer found true trail heading through Suburbia, and of course as The local Suburbanites where out weed-wacking, but all weed wacking stopped as the Monday hash rolled through Suburbia. Slut Machine told stories to the locals (most of them were oral), Mary Kay Lay Turn On asked the locals if any 14 year olds lived there, and then Crazy Assed just Annie blew the locals a kiss.

The hash pulsated toward a second beer check.....

and somewhere along the line Hydro Licks mentioned that I had never finished this write......Somehow Somewhere Conundrum Meat puts it all together....and Dirty Brown Eye kept it real.

The Fine Mood of the night continued and we went to a bar afterward full of rednecks, Kino Playing Mullet Haired ladies, professionals on their 12th high ball and we were kind of at home, feeling free walk out of the bar thinking it was a perfect day to hash.

Mystery Meat Got Laid....

Don't know about the Brown Eye...

she got home that night and sat in a hot bath forgetting that she had dried flour all her body and when the water got so warm....the yeast in her veins and the flour on her body (think about it for a second or two)formed the perfect loaf of bread....which I think was part of the hoagies at the Memorial Day Hash.....

2007-05-19T01:21:00.000-07:00

Kahuna Hash Number 58 (Within a Standard Deviation)
Hares Coitus
Location Pittock Mansion (Kudos for Pulling that off)

Coitus is the Comfort Food of Kahuna, The Mac and Cheese, you know its going to be good, filling and somewhere along the line he will throw in a Red Hot Chili Pepper. Well this hash wasn't your go through the motions missionary position type of hash. It was more about going down a lot and finally having to get it up in the end.

And End up wanting more.

For some cosmic quirk in the Cosmos, Gym Nasty led trail down off our elevated start....Monday night God -(God) aka Twat sickle grumbled what goes down must go.....
up and the last shall be first and Tool Box emerged from shiggy no worse for the wear with
Cop Killer nearly inside her shorts checking up an obvious in and out that was going no where as Blast Rag blew through checks like a single ply as Calm Dude led us to the beer check with Pabst a plenty. Shoots Airballs and Hot Buns helped polish off the beer check and we were off like a Flaming Fart, on another perfect day to hash.

We went down tongues a flutter away from the trail which was a Mystery to Me , at this point TinkerBell joined us and finally Mother Chalker from DC led us Monday Night Zealots back to a place we had never driven to. Pittock Mansion, us locals never go there. The last part of the trail was about getting it up again. Good Will Kunting for the end of the trail with a Dirty Brown I hoping somebody would still go down.

Mother Chalker from DC conducted religion in a record long time.

After that its all a fog. Its all Post Coital.....
and time to go home.

Well Laid

This week we get the Dirty Brown Eye and hash Legend Enigma Meat in Hide Away park ...For some reasons the hash Gods (we have one amongst us) have blessed us with another lovely day to hash and if anybody can put the Me in Meat its Mystery meat, but hopefully the Dirty Brown Eye will keep him from laying out of control.

This weeks word of the week is Enigmatic....I encourage you to use it before and during the hash.

Trust me...

Should You Wake A SleepWalker

2007-05-08T23:56:00.000-07:00

Back Check Day JaVouz
Hares Calm Dude - Terwiliger & Nebraska -Hash 57- Weather (Like an Orgasm)- Hounds 29

Every Hound
Down in Kahuna-ville
Liked Laying a lot... But the Calm-Dude,
Who layed trail North of Bridge-Ville,
Did NOT! The Dude hated conventional checks!
The whole hashing season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his flour bag wasn't hanging quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that he wasn't too bright.
But the hounds think that the most likely reason of refuge
May have been that his member was two sizes too huge. But,
Whatever the reason,
His heart or the booze,
He stood there on Tuesday Eve, back-checking the fools,
Staring down Mt. Hood with a sour, Calm-Dude frown
At the warm lighted widows below in their gowns.
For he knew every Hasher in Kahuna beneath
Was busy now, back-checking under 1-5 a reach.
"Mary K and Blast Rag short cutting in cute stockings!"
he snarled with a beer.
"Today is is the Kahuna Hash! It's leaking beer!"
Calm Dude growled, with his flour fingers nervously cumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep the Hashers from coming!"
For, today, he knew... ...All the Bimbo girls and Katoys
Would wake up bright and early with Dirty Brown Eyes.
They'd rush for the sex!
And then! Oh, the back checks! Oh, the back checks!
That's one thing he hated!
The regular checks! Then the Bimbos, young and old,
would check down a neighborhood street.
And they'd feast! Following Mystery Meat!
And they'd pleat pleat pleat!
Like Sheep
Wet Spots would start on Muddy-footing,
and Just Carmen and would do hill repeats!
And THEN
They'd do something he liked least to be mean!
Every Hasher down in Kahuna, even Slut Machine,
Would stagger together, with On-On calls singing.
They'd with Coitus-checking-back again.
And would start back-checking!
They'd short-cut! And they'd complain!
AND some would short cut insane
And disdain as the more the Calm dude spewed flour on the road
The more the Dude time he bought, to Fulton I am told"
"Why for fifty-three weeks I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Pabst Smear from finishing!
...But HOW?" Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE DUDE
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Dude Laughed from his moat.
Under I 5.
So he called another back check. Then he took some flour
And he tried to set a mean muddy back check.
THEN
More flour from flour bags
And a thirty pack
On the seventh of May
And the trail started down
Toward the beer check with lots of Bimbos
Lay a-snooze in their town.
The stitch and Bitch was lost weak beer filled the air.
Mary K and Our Teacher Blast Rag
Ran crazy loops in hope of catching the Hare.
"This is back check number twenty one ," The TinkerBell hissed hissed
Blast Rag climbed to the roof, empty beerss in her fist. Then Slut Machine slid down the SouthWest trails. A rather tight pinch.
But if Calm Dude could do it, then so could the Bitch & Stitch.

Betty Cocker got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
And O stuck his foot in ther mud shoes no longer knew
All those flour spots a row.
"The short cutters, "are the first things to show!"

Calm Dude he slithered and slunk,

with athe last mile most pleasant,
Around the whole trail, GoodWill Cunting was present!
Hot Curry! Ample brown Beer! Banana Bread !and Buns!
Stuffed all their bellies, one by one, down the down

and head back to town!

Next Weeks Hash - Coitus from Pittock Mansion

General Announcement - Slut Machine has been assigned the duty of Hare Razor.

So when you receive a phone call from her. You may be haring soon.

Timber

2007-04-18T12:52:00.000-07:00

On Sec -Flaming Fart

Hares: Frigid Hole and Big Shitter

Trail: Classic urban park, streets and a little shiggy

It was a perfect day to hash, right up there in the top ten. It might have been better if it had kept raining, but instead the clouds eased up and made the hash just a little less perfect. What is the most perfect day to hash you ask? That is a matter of debate, but it probably involves an earthquake, frogs falling from the sky, dogs and cats having sex, and floods of biblical proportions. And an alien invasion probably.

Speaking of which, the Kahuna hash had what seemed like a virgin alien invasion. There was a lighted, glowing disk floating about, multiple virgin bimbos and wanks with a suspicious amount of energy and a claim to have found out about the hash from something called “work”. The apparent leader said he made himself come as well. Quite likely code from the mothership, but easy to see through since every hasher has never heard of the “w” thing and our easy access to bimbos and wanks have never had to make ourselves come ever. They were harmless enough, and we can’t remember a single name besides possibly “Klaatu”.

Ahh, the debut of Frigid Hole. A shitty trail was laid, and her efforts to escape removal of her shorts so we could see those cute striped undies were successful. Next time! Big Shitter, what can one say? If something is going to be laid, even if it is a trail, he’ll be there!

The usual crowd of malcontents and hooligans were at the beginning of the hash… lets see, since this is a whole two days later and memories fade as each beer goes down a semi-partial list is : Goodwill Cunting, DBI, Gym Nasty, Red Light Special, Slut Machine, Little Shitter, Murphy, Chum Guzzler, Rectal Rooter (who has possibly had that grin on his face since birth), Stinkfinger, Wet Spots graced us with her presence, and of course little miss Toolbox. There were more people of various sizes and shapes, apologies if you wanted to see your name on the most widely read blog ever, but the beer haze is growing ever thicker….

After a meander through upper and lower MaCleay park and terrorizing the fine folks in their fine houses around there, and collecting shoes for some reason (not entirely apparent to this author, though it might have had something to do with bikinis and bimbos) , we ended up at the on-in and had some pretty decent food and beer. Red Light Special conducted our religious ceremony, no boobs were seen (again) unless you count Katoy Toy’s, and that’s gonna give anybody religion.

Another perfect night of hashing.

On On!

2007-04-10T21:15:00.000-07:00

Hash 52 -Happy Birfday Kahuna Hares Calm Dude Attendance 49

Composed by Flaming Fart

Well, that big fat baby of a hash turned one! And holy crap, was it a big celebration! Forty-plus humanoids running around spreading wheat gluten and stomping on peoples' gardens that they so carelessly left near the street... but i digress. Sorry, didn't mean to digress all over the big celebration.

Lets see, our fine founders were there, in Hawaiian finery (sort of): Wild Man (apparently the "hare"), Pabst Smear (always has Hawaiian finery on), Toolbox ("lookit my hot new car!"), Gym ("this is almost like work, Ha ha hahahaha!) Nasty, Big (I can't be bothered to come to all of the hash) Shitter, Stink (fuck you!) finger, Twatsicle (Nice haircut! umm, God...), Mary Lou (not my) Rectum, Magic Merkin (go ahead, try out the new "tickle cut" on my beard!) Ride, Coitus (hmmm), Katoy (c'mere, lemme take your picture) Toy, Hash ("I'm going backwards tonight!) Bum, Head (my beard rocks just as much as merkin's) First, and, finally the lovely Red (it has nothing to do with pads dammit) Wings. All in all, a fine showing of founders and evidence they still have nothing better to do than hash on what has to be the "Finest Night to Hash...Ever!"

What can be said about the trail? Appropriately shitty! Urban graffiti hashing at its finest. A nice long section of railroad hashing, otherwise known as "I hope I don't completely f**k up my ankles tonight"... Oooo, yeah, a check to nowhere also known as "thank god wildman is laying his usual trail". Then there was lots of really expensive real estate and lots of flour and probably irritated expensive real estate owners...

Aw hell, eventually we ended up at the Thatch and had religion of sorts which ended up with prizes for costumes. Shoots for his dork-boy surfer costume. Then, of course, Slut Machine for her over-the-top bikini Kahuna hash outfit. All the wankers were glad.

Who else was there you ask? hmmm, some virgins, deflowered as they should be. ChumGuzzler and Screams, Wet Spots did show for a bit, Frigid Hole, HydroLicks, Resevoir Tip, Pole Dancer, Blast Rag, Goodwill Cunting, Tinkerbell, and Farticus.

Then there was beer, and it was good.

2007-04-03T23:06:00.000-07:00

Blast Rag and Pabst Smear Present Beauty and the Beast -Hash Number 51 ClackersInMyAss, Oregon -Weather Cold Paid Attendance 21

Pabst and Blast hashed up the hill

To set a trail of flower.

But O fell down and cut his arm,

And Coitus came shortly after.

Up Mary Lou got up and down went wild dude

As fast as he could no biggie;

And throught to check with God for head
The trail had vigor and shiggy.

Then up Gym Nasty got and on home he did trot

Silent but deadly yelled on-on with aplomb;

As Brown Eyes short-cutted she did not

As Resevoir Tip was not to be found

As a group of hard core zealots made it to the top. Resevoir Tip was slurring by the time he got back to sea level. Tool Box and Merkin complained of Stinging nettles. Another group of eight got lucky and did the honorable thing and short cutted.

For Religion we had to walk across a stream. Which made many of us real cold. We had wanks on the open fire as well as Veggie wanks. I believe we also had donuts and Slut Machine did not make cookies. She was not there.

I never got around to writing this one up as my fingers just came out of a deep freeze. This was a great run and in the words of Magic Merkin Ride after the beer check.

"freaken hill mud beeer no need shiver me timbers this place is haunted'

OnOn

Big Shitter